At church last night my doubt came back to the surface, but with another thought as to why it may be hanging around. The message was about what we put our faith in. Is there an area we need Jesus to shine His light into? I realized, my marriage is the first thing that comes to mind that needs God's light, His help. Later they asked what areas of your life has God spoken into. I wrote the same list as before.
God has spoken into all these areas of my life and now I see that I have a large need for Him to speak into my life in many areas again. I know my life is pretty broken right now. I think my life is more broken than I realized; or perhaps I'm just growing used to the brokenness.
Brokenness can lead to doubt. Anything can lead to doubt, but when areas of difficulty pile up in your life, doubt has fertile ground. My general thought process when doubt comes calling is to remind myself of Job, David and Creation. Creation is kind of the silver bullet for doubt in my life because there is no chance evolution created such amazingly intricate beings as we are; not to mention the diversity of life on the planet that lives in such symbiotic relationship. There had to be a watch maker.
I feel better already.
So to deal with my doubt, I am writing today. Perhaps this doubt has hung around longer because I've not dealt with it. Because it's more elusive than it usually is. I can't pinpoint what this doubt is trying to say. It's more a feeling of uneasiness about faith without any specific point. Almost like an anxiety attack, without the attack.
I do believe that the state of my marriage, my current dissatisfaction with my life, my parenting, my kids, the lack of respect I receive in my home... have all played into doubt. Add onto that the change in my ministry opportunities at church -- no longer leading a women's bible study as I have done for 7 years, no longer attending a weekly women's bible study as I have done for decades. I'm feeling lost in this area of my life as well. It has always been my bible study that grounds me. Ahhh, now we are getting somewhere. It truly has always been my bible study that grounds me. I am without that and have been without it for over a year now. It does make a huge difference in my life because it's the homework that drives me forward in my faith and understanding of who God is and how He is at work in my life. Otherwise, I fall prey to life's business and my daily/weekly pursuit of bible study and drawing closer to God falls by the wayside.
With my marriage currently so broken; and so many of the attempts to mend it failing... I have lost a basis of strength. My bible study changing from what has been close to a lifetime of habit, another strength lost. No wonder I'm feeling doubt.
Thanks for listening! That helped!