disappointments

In my journey through the problem of evil and disappointment that life isn't better than it is, I received this devotion recently and it really blessed me.  I find it often helps me when I learn that someone else understands my pain or my circumstances.  That someone else has gone through these things as well.  I know I am not alone and what's more, I'm even in good company.
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DisappointmentsTGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, by Os Hillman
12-06-2012
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. - Proverbs 13:12

Life is filled with disappointments. Many of God's greatest servants experienced deep disappointment in their journeys of faithfulness to God. Joseph, after spending years as a slave and in jail for crimes that he did not commit, revealed deep disappointment when he was forgotten another two years in prison. John the Baptist, when awaiting execution, doubted whether Jesus was, in fact, the Christ because he was sitting there awaiting his death. Elijah, losing all hope and despondent to the point of death, asked God to take his life in the desert; and Peter, who left his fishing business and invested three years of his life only to watch his Savior crucified, wondered whether the purpose of those three years could be justified.

When life doesn't add up, it leaves the heart sick. When we have done all we know to do and the formula has not worked, it leaves us questioning. These are times that try the very souls of men. There is no human sense to be made of it. We are left with a choice: to cling or not to cling. There are times when holding on to our Master's robe is all that we can do. It is all that He wants us to do.

The heights by great men reached and kept

Were not obtained by sudden flight;

But they, while their companions slept,

Were toiling upward in the night.

Standing on what too long we bore,

With shoulders bent and downcast eyes,

We may discern-unseen before-

A path to higher destinies!

~Longfellow

There is only one answer to life's disappointments. Like the psalmist, we must "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken" (Ps. 62:5-6).

This is one of the few email devotions I read regularly.  Os always has something worth sharing and he blesses me almost daily.
http://www.marketplaceleaders.org/tgif/

what I know today

I know that pride kills my relationship with Christ.  Anytime the “I” or “me” is primary in my thoughts I am probably in the wrong in some manner.  I know that I see things primarily through my own eyes and while I am often certain of my own perspective, the world is complicated and my perspective is not the only one that is valid.

I have struggled greatly over this past year in particular in my relationship with my husband.  I struggle because he does not meet my many of needs.  We are often talking and acting past one another because we do not speak one another’s love language and neither of us try hard enough to bridge that gap.  I believe (rightly or wrongly) that I feel this gap far more than my husband does.  I am deeply convinced that I am "more right” than he is on most of our issues and believe that the things I request from him are so small that it could possibly be cruel as to withhold them from me. 

My woes led me dangerously close to divorce and what stopped me from crossing that line is the belief that I would gain nothing.  I would gain only the 'loss of expectation' that things would get better.  This could also be phrased as the HOPE that things would get better.  I’ve just chosen not to go there.  I’ve sided on my pain and emptiness.

That my marriage has not turned out as I hoped and planned ultimately led me down the path of questioning God.  Not His existence because creation keeps me grounded there, but on who He is.  The personal-ness of the Jesus I always knew.  I’ve been blessed with the gift of faith and of often of optimism and that saw me through much.  The ultimate disappointment I experience in my marriage struck hard and deep and I believe has been used by the enemy to bring my walk with God to a crawl if not a halt.  It was brewing for years but my encounter with evil through the movie "Food, Inc." added incredible fuel to the fire.  The blaze of WHY has burned quite bright this past year.  My encounter with evil so clear and unnerving that I’ve been rendered almost helpless.  The evil is so big and I am just one; how could anything I do make a difference?

This same train of thought has carried me through in many other areas of life.  What is the point of so much suffering?  When I look at my Mom and see that while, yes, she has brought some of life’s ails upon herself, the most offensive of them were without her control.  These events in her life have forever transformed her into a deeply broken person who often despairs of life and struggles to cling to God.  What purpose is there in such suffering?  I always wanted to be like Joseph who, as far as we read, did not ask “why” of God though he was taken from his family, sold into slavery, rose to power, wrongly accused and thrown in jail where he was left to rot, then brought out again to ultimate glory in being present for God’s will.  I love that we don’t read him asking why.  Here I am now, asking Why and I hate it; but I cannot stop.  I must go through this if I ever hope to come out the other side.  There is still a part of me that trusts there is more though the doubt in my mind would seek to smother it.

I’ve tried to step back from the immediacy and emotion of my wants in my marriage and instead look at what I have.  Look at and appreciate the good I have.  Though we are cautioned against comparison, we humans do love to compare ourselves to one another.  When I compare the man Adam is with many other husbands I know of, he does stand tall.  He is a good man, with high moral character.  He works steadily, often at jobs he truly dislikes, and provides financially for our family.  He handles our finances with little complaint, though I do give him cause to complain more often than I should.  He is a good father who cares for his children and does seek to give them a good life.  He spends time with his children and while he does things in a very different way than I do, I appreciate that he is a father, not a mother, and I need to respect our differences.

My husband does most of the cooking and keeps things in our home from falling into complete untidiness, including doing most of the dishes.  He doesn’t ask much of me, doesn’t ask me to do his laundry or clean his bathroom.  He gives me the freedom to serve as often as I want and has allowed me to attend a church I prefer over our old church, though I believe his heart is still back there.

The separateness is not necessarily a rejection of me, though certainly I often feel it as such.  It can also be a coping mechanism for living in a life that is difficult (if only by first world standards).  In a world that seeks to rob us of our faith and beat down our hope, to exhaust us and keep us from shining a light for Christ.

So, today I know that I am not always right.  That there is always another point of view and even if I don’t share it, I do not ultimately decide the validity of the truth…God does. 

This weekend, I hope to spend some more time contemplating this and seeking reunion with a God I don’t always agree with.  A God I don’t understand.  To rekindle the hope that comes from knowing a God big enough I cannot grasp all of who He is.  To allow the reinstatement of my trust that He knows best.  That evil will not win.

problem of evil

Honestly, my faith has been wavering much this year.  Who is God, how involved is He, the whole problem of evil thing has bitten me and will not let go.  The idea that Jesus has come already makes me start to wonder what the point of everything is.  We seem to just struggle and suffer down here and there is so much of it.  Perhaps I have lost my ability to count it joy having been denied the marriage I so wanted. 

I am finding the world more alluring and can even see that this could all be a trap of the enemy a’ la Screwtape, and yet…

Creation is still the foundation of my faith as I do not see a way away from the knowledge that intelligent design is the only thing that makes a modicum of sense; in fact I find creation the single most compelling reason to believe in God.

I see no benefit in such extreme suffering.  Why should my Mother be so unhappy and so deeply depressed and alone.  To what end?  I find myself thinking that her inability to let go of the past and have any happiness as bordering on cruelty.  Is the whole thing just a life lesson on the evil of sin?

I hear the arguments on love demands choice.  I sit with that.  I completely agree that love demands choice.

I know the argument for “how much evil would be acceptable?”  Would half the evil in the world be acceptable?  Well, probably not.  How much evil have we been spared and just don’t realize it. 

I think perhaps I’m just being selfish or my usual 2x4 girl attitude is out of control.

And yet, here I am.

Jesus Calling

First, if you have not heard of the book Jesus Calling it really is a devotional you should own.  It's so good.  It is often just what you need to hear and I love when God does that.

Today I learned about having a critical spirit and how that creates a lot of dissatisfaction in our lives.  being critical, thinking that we know the "right" way to do something really feeds pride and adds that it's not just that I (we) are right, you are wrong.  Having a conversation with a friend about her father and him trying to teach a life lesson about the importance of higher education after watching a fast food worker mess up an order.  Initially it struck me as just mean or petty, but as I listened, I thought, you know there is some truth there.  Yes, not getting an education can lead you to working fast food.  It is something parents use to help their children see the consequences of their choices in life.  The other side of that is a lack of empathy for the worker... or the idea that each person needs to justify their life before you as if you (we/I whomever) in this scenario are the judge and jury to the validity of that person's life.

Man, I'm realizing how tired I am and I hope this all makes sense in the morning.  I so rarely have time to write and I have much I want to say.

So being judgmental and critical can really kill your dreams.  I think in addition to being critical of others, you (we) are critical of yourself as well.  

A friend of mine and I talked about this today.  I took it to heart as well and had to go back through my relationships to see where I am guilty of this behavior.  I don't want to be but apparently it's contagious from those around us and I imagine others aren't that keen to be with us -- unless your plans for reveng are entertaining of course.

Here is today's Jesus Calling:

September 6

Do Everything in depdence on Me.  the desire to act independently -- apart from Me--springs from the root of pride.  Self-sufficiency is subtle, insinuating its way into your thoughts and actions without your realizing it.  But apart from Me you can do nothing: that is, nothing of eternal value.  My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in every situation.  I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training.  Teaching you would be simple if I negated your free will or overwhelmed you with My Power.  However, I love you too much to withdraw the godlike privilege I bestowed on you as My image-bearer.  Use your freedom wisely, by relying on Me constantly.  Thus you enjoy My Presence and My Peace.

John 13:5
Ephesians 6:10
Genesis 1:26-27

What is God speaking to you about?

SCL: Covet 2.0

A favorite blog of mine... wait, it's not a blog I write, it's a favorite blog.  OK, whatever, I think you get it.

Stuff Christians Like is a great blog!  (That's better.)  Today is "Serious Wednesday" and Jon (author) wrote about Covet 2.0.  I am not alone in agreeing that this was a timely and oh so true post!

(Welcome back; assuming you clicked to visit SCL and are now back... or perhaps I'm now alone with my covetous thoughts because you got lost in the wit and humor of SCL and are now committed to reading all the back posts.)

I sit before you at 12:16am, not tired (though I was at 8pm on my drive home thinking about a hot bath and a soft pillow before 9pm!  Such a glorious goal missed again!), and filled with the desire to be more than I currently am. (and hoping the bunny downstairs who is making so much noise would STOP already!)  I am going to catch a cold because this is my 3rd night (4th?) without enough rest and that always spells disaster for my health.  I just can't seem to get to bed).  Tonight I was even IN bed at 9pm, but this temptress of a computer was sitting there all glowy and warm, calling out to me.  I've been working long hours this week and I feel out of touch with so many things; reading blogs and news and such online makes me feel like I belong somewhere in the world. 

Does that sound bad?  Is it a good or bad thing that the internet is what makes me feel like I belong?  I guess if I still shower and have a job and can interact without people in a reasonable manner I am OK.  That's the standard I'm going with for now; albeit a low standard.  I do normally have far more live interaction with the world; but lately, my computer has been the go to source.  I'm not even really talking to people online.  I'm not on Facebook much, or emailing letters.  I'm just reading and occassionally writing.  There's so much inside, but often when I want to type it out of me... it's elusive. 

I find myself looking at the (albeit 1 dimensional) lives of others and dealing with some fairly deep dissatisfaction in my own life.

I know... I shouldn't compare myself with others - honestly I do know that!  It's biblical, it's wise!  And yet...

So, I will be working on uninstalling Covet 2.0!  I fear though, it is much like AOL and as often as I uninstall it will pop back up because it has embedded itself so deeply in the processes of my heart.  Perhaps this is why the word sacrifice comes up so often when discussing living our lives for Christ.

Doubt

So, like all thinking Christians, I have doubt.  I'm sure I also share in guilt and fear when my doubt comes to the surface.  Lately I have been dodging my doubt instead of thinking it through.  I'm not sure why I'm taking this tack, I normally would just deal with it and move on.


At church last night my doubt came back to the surface, but with another thought as to why it may be hanging around.  The message was about what we put our faith in.  Is there an area we need Jesus to shine His light into?  I realized, my marriage is the first thing that comes to mind that needs God's light, His help.  Later they asked what areas of your life has God spoken into.  I wrote the same list as before.

• Marriage
• Serving
• Parenting
• Growing

God has spoken into all these areas of my life and now I see that I have a large need for Him to speak into my life in many areas again.  I know my life is pretty broken right now.  I think my life is more broken than I realized; or perhaps I'm just growing used to the brokenness.  


Brokenness can lead to doubt.  Anything can lead to doubt, but when areas of difficulty pile up in your life, doubt has fertile ground.  My general thought process when doubt comes calling is to remind myself of Job, David and Creation.  Creation is kind of the silver bullet for doubt in my life because there is no chance evolution created such amazingly intricate beings as we are; not to mention the diversity of life on the planet that lives in such symbiotic relationship.  There had to be a watch maker.  


I feel better already.


So to deal with my doubt, I am writing today.  Perhaps this doubt has hung around longer because I've not dealt with it.  Because it's more elusive than it usually is.  I can't pinpoint what this doubt is trying to say.  It's more a feeling of uneasiness about faith without any specific point.  Almost like an anxiety attack, without the attack.  


I do believe that the state of my marriage, my current dissatisfaction with my life, my parenting, my kids, the lack of respect I receive in my home... have all played into doubt.  Add onto that the change in my ministry opportunities at church -- no longer leading a women's bible study as I have done for 7 years, no longer attending a weekly women's bible study as I have done for decades.  I'm feeling lost in this area of my life as well.  It has always been my bible study that grounds me.  Ahhh, now we are getting somewhere.  It truly has always been my bible study that grounds me.  I am without that and have been without it for over a year now.  It does make a huge difference in my life because it's the homework that drives me forward in my faith and understanding of who God is and how He is at work in my life.  Otherwise, I fall prey to life's business and my daily/weekly pursuit of bible study and drawing closer to God falls by the wayside.


With my marriage currently so broken; and so many of the attempts to mend it failing... I have lost a basis of strength. My bible study changing from what has been close to a lifetime of habit, another strength lost.  No wonder I'm feeling doubt.


Thanks for listening!  That helped!

learning in steps

I just had a small (but meaningful) "aha" moment.

I've been working at my current job for almost 1.5 years now.  During that time, I have been attempting to provide customer service regarding a database of some pretty detailed and technical information.

If I'm honest, I have been hoping this whole time that said database responsibility would be taken away from me, so I only paid enough attention to get by and do a decent job.  Now that my responsibilities have doubled (vs shrink as I'd hoped) I am taking more ownership and thus, paying a bit more attention.

Mind you, all that I'm doing is Greek to me because I'm dealing with codes and numbers for items that have no relationship for me.  There is one person (I call her the Queen or Goddess) who has been here so long that she can rattle off what something is based on a random part number.  (We should sell tickets!)  OK, maybe not ticket worthy, but when you are the new kid on the block, someone with that level of information in their brain and a willingness to share it is a Godsend!

My a-ha moment was relating a part to the whole and realizing the relationship.  It's one small step for admin-kind, but I have a feeling the additional learning needed to (dare I say it?) master this database will be faster in coming.  It's the kind of learning that grows exponentially. 

God is like this too.  He teaches us what we can comprehend bit by bit stretching us (stretching me) to reach the next point in our relationship.  There are mountaintop experiences where I can look back and see all that God & I have accomplished and appreciate how far I've come.  Where I can drink in God in all His glory through something I've personally experienced.  I LOVE THOSE TIMES!  They are important and necessary because other times I feel like I can barely see my next move.  I'm pressed up against a mountain and while I am currently holding tight, I don't know which arm to reach out with, how far I have to stretch before I grab the rocks above me and pull myself up/forward.  (OK, I've never been mountain climbing and honestly, I'm not wild about sports analogies, but...if I put this in emotional terms we'd be here forever.)

I see that while I often want God to lay out His plan for me so I can see all of it; God doesn't do that because I cannot handle it.  I'm not ready because without the experiences of tomorrow and next year I cannot imagine the journey 5 years from now.  God wants my faith.  He wants my trust in Him.  He wants a relationship with me that draws me to Him daily, not just in my times of need.  It is the relationship building that allows me to climb higher, to attain God's plan for me.  He tells me He can do immeasurably more than anything I can ask or imagine. (Eph 3:20)

God builds upon my experiences, upon my faith, each day. 

Which makes me ask myself...what am I asking or imagining from God?
Am I putting the time into my relationship with Him so that I can climb higher?

And I didn't even need a 2x4 for this one!

I Wish Land

I am having faith issues right now. 
First, that's kind of a big deal to me.  God has blessed me with big faith and most of the time this isn't something I have to deal with.  My faith rises up to overcome the problems in my life -- even if only after I've had the opportunity to whine & complain about them first. (I mean come on...it's a girls right, right?)

I am having problems with my family.  At this point, I will spare you the details, but I find myself frustrated today that these issues still exist.  I have a stack of reasons why these issues exist and they include actual reasons that were, in fairness, beyond my control.  Reasons I could not overcome to be the Mom & Wife I'd dreamed of being. 

However, there are other reasons too.  These might fall into more of an excuse column... maybe the line is blurred.  I do not spend much time, if any, playing the "I wish" game.  I wish my past had been different.  I wish... whatever.  There is just no point.  I can't change the past so move on already.  In this area, I seem to be spending more time in I Wish Land.  I wish post partum didn't happen to me.  I wish it hadn't damaged my ability to mother.  I wish it hadn't damaged my relationship with my husband.  I wish those great friends of mine who tried so desperately to show me how to do things better... I really wish I'd listened more and tried harder!!  I can still hear their wisdom and at times it echo's in the dark places of my heart where I don't measure up and I can't run away from that.

I wish, I could be more like them; like those friends whose wisdom was so valuable, yet unheaded.  I wish my family were healthier emotionally.  I wish I wasn't so worried about my son growing up to be a decent, functioning man instead of an emotional psychotic.  (OK, that may be a bit dramatic, but that is the fear when I'm in I Wish Land.).

So today, right now, I will pray.  I will pray for my faith to be restored, for my inabilities to be filled with God's grace, for my family to be whole - even with a few cracks.  For my frustration not to get the better of me.

Know what I mean?