Thursday, May 19, 2011

How long must I wait?

Frustration. 
Frustration with my life, with my own abilities, with my pride, with the pride of others, with emptiness.

I've been working on my family.  My realtionship with my kids and especially with my husband.  I'm tired.  I'm not making enough progress fast enough for me.  I can hear things that God wants me to do, and I flat out don't want to do them.

I am haunted by Why Should I Be The First To Change
I am angered by the marriage counselor telling me that my husband/my marriage is like dealing with a scared kitten hiding under the sofa.  I have to be kind and patient and rewarding.

This is not an easy behavior when feeling isolated, neglected and lonely.  I am currently more concerned with my own rights and needs than those of my husband and yet, as I currently have more "awarness" of what our marriage needs (skipping the "men are doof's" comments) truthfully, I am the one called to action here.  I know God is calling us to more and I want that, I want the more!  I just cannot let go of the idea that the work to be done is mine.  God will help me, yes, I know that...I guess I just don't believe it.  I don't trust that if I do "A" my husband will do "B" or even "C" or "L" or "Q."

Tenth Avenue North played on my way to work today.  The first time I heard this song I was almost offended by it.  I was in another state and wondered if I was actually listening to a Christian station or just happened to catch a "christiany song."  When I heard it again, I was touched by the cry to God.

Today, I am identifying with it.  But I'm going to add my 2X4 twist...
How long must I wait for myself to do what God asks of me?
How long till I surrender and let Him take care of the issues plaguing my life currently?
How long will I continue to give lip service to the prayer needed to protect and unite my family?
How long...

HOLD MY HEART by Tenth Avenue North
How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Praying for the Hubster

I signed up for a "Daily Prayer For Your Husband" devotion...maybe a year or two ago.  For some reason, I never read it.  I eventually lost track of it or marked it as spam or something along those lines because I stopped seeing it.

Now, you need to know that I don't have access to any of the "fun" websites from work.  No personal email, no FaceBook, no YouTube, so, they like actually want us to work here!  I have limited to no time to be online at home, leaving the only chance to catch up on any of these social media lie on my phone; which while lovely and useful, is woefully small and difficult to correspond with in any volume.

I tell you this because I recently started receiving the devotion again... at work!  On my work email.  I'm not sure how this happened but it's feeling like the step just prior to that 2x4 moment! 

I've ignored the email for several days until the thought above occured to me, then printed it out to read in my prayer closet (the bathroom at work --> hey, don't judge me, it's literally the only place I can be alone except for a few rare occassions in my car, which I spend attempting to talk with people I miss.). 

OK, back to the devotional/prayer.  Today it's on Submission to authority (so I'm already feeling defensive!  Accept that, it's to pray for my husband to be submissive to the authority in his life.  OK then! 
But seriously for a moment.  My greatest desire is for my husband to submit his worry to God and allow his faith to grow as he sees God work out all the issues necessary in our lives.  My hub is a chronic worrier and I would love to see him set free from this burden.
I'm reading along, knowing that these issues apply to me every bit as much as they apply to my hubby.  Got through 2 scriptures on the topic (Proverbs 19:16 & Romans 13:1-2).  So far so good.

Then there is a Challenge.  Oh, I like challenges... but, oh no... there, the author went and made me look at myself again!  I knew it was coming, God truly never lets me get away without seeing the log in my own eye.  She throws out 1 Corinthians 11:3 and then Ephesians 5:22-24 (we'll do a discussion about how the context of the verse is all of us as Christians submitting to one another... but some other time).  And in case I wasn't yet convicted of my abject failure on this topic... we end with 1 Peter 3:1-2

If I want God to help my husband with his worry, I need to be a part of the process.  God cares as much about my own log as he does as the speck I perceive as a tree in my husband's eye.  I often spend time with a saw or tweezers trying to "help" the hubster with his problem and now truly realize I can't see to do any kind of good.

This God we serve is so odd.  Making us be the change we want to see in the world (thank you Ghandi for so perfectly articulating Jesus).

Maybe some eye drops would help me?
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