Wednesday, September 19, 2012

lonely

I am so lonely.  I want romance!  Not flowers and chocolates romance, real romance.  Falling in love or being in love, feeling in love.  Looking forward to sharing my day and my thoughts with somebody who cares.  Everything seems so basic lately.  I feel like there is no depth in my life.  Am I just playing at living right now?  It's not that I'm not present, because I am.  Oh this makes no sense.  I'm just rambling, but then, this is my ramble blog.  Nonsense and deep thoughts and ranting when needed.

I am lonely.

My marriage is a shell.  We are roommates and parents with occasional benefits.  I am the one doing the pursuing and I so want to be pursued.  I want to be... wanted.  To feel pretty and loved and interesting.  I want to say "I deserve" to feel these things, but I don't know that I believe life is about my happiness.  There is certainly happiness to be found in life, but I do not believe it is the goal.  There is more to it than that.  

I guess I am just lost with my marriage in trouble and my husband tuned out and here I am feeling better about myself than I ever have and "nobody" to appreciate it.  It doesn't seem fair; but then I tell my children constantly... life is not fair.

I am hiding in romantic stories of fictional men who care.  Right now I am no disallusioned by relationships.  I give too much and so often that I think I have trained others not to give back.  So foolish.  I wish I'd learned to balance this all better.
sigh

Maybe I can sleep some of this off.

Friday, September 14, 2012

ouch

This past weekend was a bit rough for me.
I'm glad it happened because I desire truth and know without it we can accomplish little.

Life has been pretty stressfull in our home.
My husband was just laid off and while there are some good things to that (he's not stressed about work, he does all the driving for the kids to and from school and the house is really clean!!) it also comes with a down side.  Not having enough money to pay everything being the primary one.  Looking for a job when there really aren't any.

On top of that, our marriage is broken.  Not irreparably so (in my humble opinion), but broken all the same.  I've been asking (telling) my husband that I really need more from him and that I'm not going to last much longer without more.  This is a conversation we've been having for years.  I cycle through not being able to stand the loneliness anymore and then we make a few improvements and that placates me (and him? I don't know) and I can go forward again for a while.  I'd recently had this "please talk to me" conversation and last Friday my hubby decided to... talk to me.

Except, it was a really bad day.

I was PMSing in an almost criminal fashion.  Lack of sleep and had a bad day at work.  On top of that, I was feeling neglected by friends and getting kind of angry with all the people in my life that weren't living up to MY expectations.  (harumph)  Ever been there?  Yeah, not fun.

So I come in and sit down ready to lose myself in a tv show and pretend I don't feel like I do.  My husband doesn't let it go.  Now this in itself is fairly miraculous.  He would normally try once and then say "OK" and go hide in his mancave.  This time he pushed.  We ended up going outside to sit in the car in order to have a little privacy from our children.  There we talked (I talked) about me feeling strongly that he doesn't like me much.  Telling him that I am the same woman he fell in love with and married.  I still care about things and want to make a difference.  I still want more out of life.  I still love him and our kids and want to create a wonderful home for all of us.  But I am lonely and it hurts and I am reaching a breaking point.  Long story short, my husband admitted that he doesn't like me much (but does love me); that I can really make him nuts.  That he has changed and he doesn't think there is much more to life.

Thinking over that conversation... I cried for 2 days.  I even woke up at night crying.  It was rough.  But... I was also relieved.  This truth I can work with.  There is something here to work on.  So after the initial waterfall of tears, I was able to think more clearly.  Gosh... it sounds like my husband has lost hope.  He doesn't have anything to dream about.  Man, I'd be miserable too if I felt that way.

So, in moving forward in our relationship, we are now spending one night a week together to work on things.  My only issue now will be not to try to make all the changes I"m hoping for at once!

Looks like my husband is stubborn too.

Monday, September 10, 2012

marriage & selfishness

Today's Prayer 
God, Do You sense an independent spirit within me--one that hinders me from joining others in the mission You have called me to? While I do enjoy independence, it's nice sometimes to depend on someone else, to not have the whole weight of the world on my own shoulders. Help me to work with and live in harmony with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to help keep unity among believers as we go forward for the cause of Christ. If that means You need to work on that independent spirit within me, so be it. Help me, please. I love you, God. In Jesus name, amen.

Lord, I am quite sure I have an independent spirit.  I have not been as close to you this past year.  I don’t really like it.  I feel lost and wandering without you.

I realize this is because I’m not getting what I want.  That my husband is behaving so selfishly and I’m sure he feels he is not being selfish.  I am constantly wondering if it is me who needs to change and while I’m sure there are still things I can do to help the situation, I am leaning on the bulk of the responsibility for change being his because he is the one who is closed off and not doing anything different.

He cooks and cleans and tries to provide financially.  Is it too much to ask for more?  I can tell you that I am deeply dissatisfied by this or anything less than more.  God programmed me to want more.  How do I deal with that?  Do I just set that aside in my life because my husband doesn’t think more is necessary?  Do I pursue more on my own?
I want him to want more.  I don’t want him (or my kids for that matter) to settle for what is instead of reaching and trying for something better.  It’s like we tried a few times to have something more and it didn’t work out as planned and now he won’t risk himself again.  He is flat out wrong.




(Today's Prayer is taken from Prime Time With God by Oz Hillman)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Jesus Calling

First, if you have not heard of the book Jesus Calling it really is a devotional you should own.  It's so good.  It is often just what you need to hear and I love when God does that.

Today I learned about having a critical spirit and how that creates a lot of dissatisfaction in our lives.  being critical, thinking that we know the "right" way to do something really feeds pride and adds that it's not just that I (we) are right, you are wrong.  Having a conversation with a friend about her father and him trying to teach a life lesson about the importance of higher education after watching a fast food worker mess up an order.  Initially it struck me as just mean or petty, but as I listened, I thought, you know there is some truth there.  Yes, not getting an education can lead you to working fast food.  It is something parents use to help their children see the consequences of their choices in life.  The other side of that is a lack of empathy for the worker... or the idea that each person needs to justify their life before you as if you (we/I whomever) in this scenario are the judge and jury to the validity of that person's life.

Man, I'm realizing how tired I am and I hope this all makes sense in the morning.  I so rarely have time to write and I have much I want to say.

So being judgmental and critical can really kill your dreams.  I think in addition to being critical of others, you (we) are critical of yourself as well.  

A friend of mine and I talked about this today.  I took it to heart as well and had to go back through my relationships to see where I am guilty of this behavior.  I don't want to be but apparently it's contagious from those around us and I imagine others aren't that keen to be with us -- unless your plans for reveng are entertaining of course.

Here is today's Jesus Calling:

September 6

Do Everything in depdence on Me.  the desire to act independently -- apart from Me--springs from the root of pride.  Self-sufficiency is subtle, insinuating its way into your thoughts and actions without your realizing it.  But apart from Me you can do nothing: that is, nothing of eternal value.  My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in every situation.  I move heaven and earth to accomplish this purpose, but you must collaborate with Me in this training.  Teaching you would be simple if I negated your free will or overwhelmed you with My Power.  However, I love you too much to withdraw the godlike privilege I bestowed on you as My image-bearer.  Use your freedom wisely, by relying on Me constantly.  Thus you enjoy My Presence and My Peace.

John 13:5
Ephesians 6:10
Genesis 1:26-27

What is God speaking to you about?
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