ouch

This past weekend was a bit rough for me.
I'm glad it happened because I desire truth and know without it we can accomplish little.

Life has been pretty stressfull in our home.
My husband was just laid off and while there are some good things to that (he's not stressed about work, he does all the driving for the kids to and from school and the house is really clean!!) it also comes with a down side.  Not having enough money to pay everything being the primary one.  Looking for a job when there really aren't any.

On top of that, our marriage is broken.  Not irreparably so (in my humble opinion), but broken all the same.  I've been asking (telling) my husband that I really need more from him and that I'm not going to last much longer without more.  This is a conversation we've been having for years.  I cycle through not being able to stand the loneliness anymore and then we make a few improvements and that placates me (and him? I don't know) and I can go forward again for a while.  I'd recently had this "please talk to me" conversation and last Friday my hubby decided to... talk to me.

Except, it was a really bad day.

I was PMSing in an almost criminal fashion.  Lack of sleep and had a bad day at work.  On top of that, I was feeling neglected by friends and getting kind of angry with all the people in my life that weren't living up to MY expectations.  (harumph)  Ever been there?  Yeah, not fun.

So I come in and sit down ready to lose myself in a tv show and pretend I don't feel like I do.  My husband doesn't let it go.  Now this in itself is fairly miraculous.  He would normally try once and then say "OK" and go hide in his mancave.  This time he pushed.  We ended up going outside to sit in the car in order to have a little privacy from our children.  There we talked (I talked) about me feeling strongly that he doesn't like me much.  Telling him that I am the same woman he fell in love with and married.  I still care about things and want to make a difference.  I still want more out of life.  I still love him and our kids and want to create a wonderful home for all of us.  But I am lonely and it hurts and I am reaching a breaking point.  Long story short, my husband admitted that he doesn't like me much (but does love me); that I can really make him nuts.  That he has changed and he doesn't think there is much more to life.

Thinking over that conversation... I cried for 2 days.  I even woke up at night crying.  It was rough.  But... I was also relieved.  This truth I can work with.  There is something here to work on.  So after the initial waterfall of tears, I was able to think more clearly.  Gosh... it sounds like my husband has lost hope.  He doesn't have anything to dream about.  Man, I'd be miserable too if I felt that way.

So, in moving forward in our relationship, we are now spending one night a week together to work on things.  My only issue now will be not to try to make all the changes I"m hoping for at once!

Looks like my husband is stubborn too.

I WANT

I go through periods where I JUST WANT!

Right now... I want a new house to live in.  (When I say new, I don't mean brand new...gosh, I don't even know what I'd do with a brand new house!  I've only lived in roughly used homes!  Besides, I think we kind of feel like we don't "deserve" a brand new house because we don't really clean enough to do it justice.  Maybe I want need a maid too!)

OK, back to the house.  I want a house!  I currently live in a 3 bedroom condo with a very full garage (that was always supposed to be my craft room, but that so didn't happen).  I never really wanted to live where we do.  I mean, it was a major step up from where we were (2 bedroom apartment, no garage, no washer/dryer)... so really... I'm in a better place.  But we NEED a 4 bedroom (we really do), but a bit more space (and maybe some cabinetry that isn't peeling and falling apart?) would be so super!

Not actual photo.  I'm not that mean.

However, we also need to pay off debt.  Debt from life, not from living large.  (OK, there may have been a small amount of manic spending in there, but it is a small percentage.  "Don't judge me!")  Like many people we've have some issues.  Like having to replace the engine in a car I lent to a friend who kept driving when the car started making strange noises.  (She did stop when the car was beyond reparairable because well... it was making REALLY loud noises by then and she kind of had to.  And before you ask... yes, there is blond mixed in there somewhere.)

Then, there is the cat my husband doesn't like (and I love) who was attacked by not one, but two coyotes early one morning.  The hubster saved said kitty by fighting the mean ol coyotes off with a hose then was calling for the cat to come to him when I finally woke up.  The cat won't come to me when I call and I love him... he was so not coming to my hubster after being mauled by large animals with death on their breath.  (He totally lived by the way, not even a scar!  9 lives down to 6 I'd say.  1-being rescued in the first place, 2&3- 1 for each coyote).  Emergency vets and overnight stays... not cheap.

There's plenty more reasons why we have debt, but I will oh so kindly spare you additional details.  Back to what I WANT.

You know when you kind of know you can't have or do something, but you haven't emotionally reconciled yourself to it just yet?  Well, I will continue to mull over said issue (moving to an actual house) trying to problem solve and come up with a way to do it.

Maybe if... I use my bonus from work (which Uncle Sam will take half of, so it may not even be enough.)

Maybe if... I negotiate with the landlord to let us pay a deposit over the first few months (because if you haven't moved recently, it requires cold hard cash baby!)  We won't actually receive our deposit (if we actually get anything back) until a month after we've moved.  Can't count on that cash.  We'd need first month rent (OK that could be a wash) and deposit money, and in our case, cat/pet deposit money.  (I mean hey, we just spend several thousand dollars to fix a kitty, he's coming with!)

Maybe if... I find an incredible deal in the neighborhood I want because I've just timed this all so well and God decided it's time for us to move.

Oh wait.
God.
That's right... I shouldn't be problem solving and maybe if'ing...I should be praying.

Not quite a 2x4, more like a dowell.

Is this where God wants us?
Are we supposed to move?  (and I can so totally hear me saying... "Yes, Yes God!  We are supposed to move!  Give us a great new place we can praise you for!)

Sigh... I guess this is where patience and obedience comes in.  Perhaps... (just perhaps) I should spend more time praying and seeking God's will than scouring the internet for a free site listing what is available in Irvine.  I SO do not trust the sites they want me to pay for  the address.  I know that as soon as I do that, the properties I'm interested in will suddenly be "leased."  I mean, what landlord who wants to list his home for lease and keep it full limits his lease listings to pay only sites?  I don't think so.