rebellion

I am realizing more and more that I have a rebellious spirit.  I just want things my way.  I'm willing to go along with someone else but I want to hold back part.
Or I will go along for a while doing all I should and then notice that I have stopped doing something.  It's like I am waiting to see if I will get caught.  How long it will take before someone says something.
I'm not sure what this is about.  I want to explore and bring this part of myself under control.


I am dealing with my extra curricular activities being on hold and trying to figure out what how to spend this time.  I gave myself some time to chill and watch tv and be irresponsible; but after a few weeks, that option is pretty old.  So now I need to focus my attention on something, I'm not totally sure what that needs to be.  I also need to work on having more friends.  I've allowed myself to be too isolated.


This therapy blog is interesting.  Being honest online is interesting.

why should I be the first to change?

I just re-read this commentary and a thought came to mind of another similar story about people in a jail with a large pot of soup in the middle and they each have spoons long enough to reach the soup but the spoons are too long to feed themselves, they have to feed one another.  They starve because nobody will go first and feed another for fear they won't be fed themselves.

COMMENTARY 779.1: Dying From the Cold Within

by Michael Josephson on June 8, 2012

One of the great challenges to our humanity is acknowledging and overcoming our natural tendency to think less of and discriminate against people who are different than us racially, ethnically, religiously or ideologically.

Despite persistent rhetoric about prizing diversity, political debates often reflect disdain and contempt for those we disagree with and prejudices of all sorts are more readily stated.  Indeed, there are disturbing signs that anti-Muslim, anti-Semitic and anti-Catholic attitudes are rising throughout the world.

　

A poem written in the 1970s by James Patrick Kinney called “The Cold Within” reminds us what’s at stake.

Six humans trapped by happenstance,
In black and bitter cold.
Each one possessed a stick of wood,
Or so the story’s told.

Their dying fire in need of logs,
The first woman held hers back.
For on the faces around the fire,
She noticed one was black.

The next man looking ‘cross the way,
Saw one not of his church,
And couldn’t bring himself to give,
The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes;
He gave his coat a hitch.
Why should his log be put to use,
To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought,
Of the wealth he had in store,
And how to keep what he had earned,
From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man’s face bespoke revenge,
As the fire passed from his sight,
For all he saw in his stick of wood,
Was a chance to spite the white.

And the last man of this forlorn group,
Did naught, except for gain.
Giving only to those who gave,
Was how he played the game.

The logs held tight in death’s still hands
Was proof of human sin.
They didn’t die from the cold without
They died from the cold within.

　

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Then I am reminded of the book "Why Should I Be The First To Change" by Nancy Missler.  It's a small little book with a powerful punch.  I think perhaps I need to slide it off my bookshelf and let it lead me through the screaming and rebellion I am in right now.

Perhaps this is part of the process?  The faith issues, the not volunteering. The growing selfishness.  Part of the process I am in to take me where God is leading me.  Where I am seems worse than where I was, but I understand that sometimes our journey feels that way.  It doesn't mean the destination isn't worth going to.

jealousy

Part of the discontent I have been feeling I think is due to my life not working out as I had planned.  Perhaps this is my midlife crisis.  If it is, may I personally share that IT SUCKS!  Maybe I started to go through this when I officially turned 40 and decided I didn't want to do it.  So maybe that ended up just being deferred and now I have to go through it anyway?  Sigh.

I am jealous of my sister in law.  She has the life I thought I would have.  She is best friends with her husband, has a beautiful house and friends they spend time with, beautiful, accomplished children.  When I look at her, when I look at her kids I see what my kids won't have.  Because of the money, because of the stability of their family her children will have opportunities my kids won't.  I can look forward and I am sad at the jealousy my children might have towards them.  I'm sad that I didn't provide more for my children.  

Now, I must say that I love my children and know that they are intelligent and beautiful.  I wouldn't want to disparage them in any way.  It's me that failed.

So is this what happens when you age?  Regret? Dissatisfaction?  This isn't who I've been or who I want to be.  With the faith issues I've had I'm just disgruntled.  I'm unhappy with where I am and stopping the volunteering seems to be making things worse and yet I'm fairly sure that is what God wants me to do.

On top of all this, I feel like such a loser (and a whiny one at that) for feeling this way.  It's like I can't win here.

Sorry to be so depressing.

mania

I have cyclothymia.  It's kind of like "baby bi-polar" my mood swings aren't as severe, but I can get pretty worked up.  I lean towards the manic side; I have learned to fight depression with reasonable success.  I am learning to deal with the mania.  Part of it honestly feels pretty good.  You know the high you can get sometimes where you just feel great about everything.  That bounce in your step kind of feeling.  That's where it stops.  At first you think it's just a good mood.  When it continues for too long, you start to realize there is more going on.


There is this idea inside of me that I am being super productive and getting so many projects done with great ability.  When the dust settles there is often a messy wake to look back upon.  Projects started and not finished.  Not even cleaned up after often.  It can be quite frustrating for those around you.  


Once one passes the stage of "I can do anything" (so if that's bipolar, perhaps mine is "I can do most things") there is another level added.  Irritability.  Things start to really get on your nerves.  You (OK, I) start to get short with people, my speech is clipped or aggressive.  I don't want anybody around me.  Everything pushes my button of frustration.  


Then we add that I am right.  There is no arguing with me.  Now this is probably also part of my personality -- cyclothymia or not -- but it's intensified here.


I have most likely had this mood issue from my teen years.  I can remember having anxiety and panic attacks as a child and occasionally sleepwalking; though I think now that it was panic attacks that woke me up not actual sleepwalking.  I spent up to the birth of my first child at 28 dealing with anxiety and panic attacks without any medical help.


It was not fun, but I will say that I did manage to live through it.
I had a brief diagnosis of panic attacks and anxiety and was given medication and a little hope that this could be managed better.
Then I got pregnant again and I wasn't even given the option of taking medication.  Doctor took me off everything until I was done nursing.  Which of course I did for 13 months after birth.  So close to 4 years with the addition of a fairly decent bout of post partum.  Mine started as peri-partum, which is to say that it began in my 2nd trimester.  Don't get me wrong, I was beyond thrilled to be pregnant!  I wanted children since I was one and to finally be pregnant!   The bag of tricks that came along for the ride was not something I wanted to carry around.


Finally getting a full diagnosis and medication was a life changer.  Since then I have been working on the adjustment to living with medication and still learning the signs and control over myself and my mood.  


It is a daily process.


I choose to be grateful I have the opportunity to have help and be a better person.