Wednesday, June 20, 2012

jealousy

Part of the discontent I have been feeling I think is due to my life not working out as I had planned.  Perhaps this is my midlife crisis.  If it is, may I personally share that IT SUCKS!  Maybe I started to go through this when I officially turned 40 and decided I didn't want to do it.  So maybe that ended up just being deferred and now I have to go through it anyway?  Sigh.

I am jealous of my sister in law.  She has the life I thought I would have.  She is best friends with her husband, has a beautiful house and friends they spend time with, beautiful, accomplished children.  When I look at her, when I look at her kids I see what my kids won't have.  Because of the money, because of the stability of their family her children will have opportunities my kids won't.  I can look forward and I am sad at the jealousy my children might have towards them.  I'm sad that I didn't provide more for my children.  

Now, I must say that I love my children and know that they are intelligent and beautiful.  I wouldn't want to disparage them in any way.  It's me that failed.

So is this what happens when you age?  Regret? Dissatisfaction?  This isn't who I've been or who I want to be.  With the faith issues I've had I'm just disgruntled.  I'm unhappy with where I am and stopping the volunteering seems to be making things worse and yet I'm fairly sure that is what God wants me to do.

On top of all this, I feel like such a loser (and a whiny one at that) for feeling this way.  It's like I can't win here.

Sorry to be so depressing.

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