I am jealous of my sister in law. She has the life I thought I would have. She is best friends with her husband, has a beautiful house and friends they spend time with, beautiful, accomplished children. When I look at her, when I look at her kids I see what my kids won't have. Because of the money, because of the stability of their family her children will have opportunities my kids won't. I can look forward and I am sad at the jealousy my children might have towards them. I'm sad that I didn't provide more for my children.
Now, I must say that I love my children and know that they are intelligent and beautiful. I wouldn't want to disparage them in any way. It's me that failed.
So is this what happens when you age? Regret? Dissatisfaction? This isn't who I've been or who I want to be. With the faith issues I've had I'm just disgruntled. I'm unhappy with where I am and stopping the volunteering seems to be making things worse and yet I'm fairly sure that is what God wants me to do.
On top of all this, I feel like such a loser (and a whiny one at that) for feeling this way. It's like I can't win here.
Sorry to be so depressing.