Sunday, August 28, 2011

Frusterated (yes... again)

Bad few weeks with some hope. Kids are out of control and ignoring what I say. Hubster still hiding in his room most of the time. I did not think this would be the life I would have. I had...still have... high expectations for my family. I always thought I would be the kind of mother who could look at my kids and they would behave. This makes me laugh now. I am more of a marshmallow parent than that. Part of it is laziness on my part. So much is left to me and everyone wants their rolls nicely defined, not that they follow through.

Yes, I am borderline depressed. I am so done. (Which is my way of saying I don't want this conflict anymore, but I am not quite sure what to do about it.)

I need to go back and relisten to Total Transformation program and get back on track.

Just saying that gives me more hope.

OK arms hurting from typing on this little keyboard.
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Monday, August 15, 2011

Hope Again

So while I have a belief still that my husband won't change into the perfect man (would that mean I have to be the perfect woman?  oh my, that's too much work), after a very difficult week in my marriage I have decided to be myself and continue to try.  (hold the applause please...this is God more than it's me).

I was so ready to let the ball rest in his court and give the hubster enough rope to hang himself with when two things happened. 
  1. I went to church.
  2. Someone recommended "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" and I watched a clip.
Church always has a way of changing your perspective and helping ensure you are on the right track.  (hint: if your church isn't doing this, you may want to look around).  They did a teaching on Jonah of all things and you so wouldn't see marriage advice in that lesson, but it's there!  Jonah was proud and wanted things his way, not God's way.  He pouts and stomps his feet because God is merciful just as Jonah thought.  I wasn't hit with a 2x4 this time, I was hit with a rubber chicken (I'm not kidding).  Part of the events on stage they threw things into the audience and I was hit by this rubber chicken. My take away was where am I being proud and wanting my way, vs. doing what God wants.

Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage talks about having to tell a man, and tell them more than once, and be direct, no hinting.  I guess after the chicken inspiration, I was open to being the one to move forward again. 

So this morning... my husband hugged me and while I didn't really want to hug, I did.  And we kissed and then I prayed for him.  There, aloud, in the kitchen.  Prayed that God would show him his value and purpose at work (a job he is so not fond of). 

We'll see how it goes.



Sunday, August 14, 2011

Down time

I am sitting here alone in my home right now.

Yes, actually A L O N E in my own home!

OK, I realize this may not be the biggest deal in the world to you, but it almost never happens to me.

It's been a very tumultuous week for me.

I had a huge fight with my husband that ended when I went to stay at a hotel for the night.  Which should have been a terrible or lonely experience for me and instead was a nice respite and I kind of wish I could have stayed for a week!  The bed was so comfortable.  The only person I had to concern myself with was me.  There was no mess and the only noise was the train going by a few times -- which I hear at home too so it really barely registered.

Which makes me think.  How much of life and the things we need to be aware of barely register?  The complaints of our spouse that we've heard so many times but haven't done anything to address... and now we no longer hear the complaint?

I know that for a long time I did not see the mess in my home.  Partially I have been paralyzed by it and only recently understood why.  Which is how my eyes opened to the mess in my home.  Now I work on it and we are getting better, but it never seems to end!!!  (Need to throw out more stuff, if you don't have a spot for something give or throw it away... I'm getting there.)

After the big blow up with the hubster, I think I lasted one whole day of not wanting to talk to him.  Then, I went to church and my heart was softened in a big way that I have to be who I am and who God has called me to be.  I have to forgive, I have to move forward and try.  I have to push the part of me that thinks nothing will change away.  I can always change so by definition, something will change.

I don't want to be deaf to things I can change.  I want to hear and see what God is calling me to so that I can be who He sees and live a life worthy of the calling God has placed on my life.  I guess hope does continue to live in my heart and in my mind.  Now I need to allow it into my actions.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Discontent

I am discontent. I try not to be. I know that discontent often comes from expectations and as sad as it may initially sound, I try not to have many expectations. I don't expect my kids to behave- I know they won't and am pleased when they do what is expected. We are all a work in progress and any step in a forward direction is a good thing.

This does not mean I don't have big dreams or high standards, because I do. I want a loving relationship with my husband that is mutually fulfilling. I want my kids to grow up to be wonderful, thoughtful, kind people who can support themselves financially at something they even like doing.

I want to have family dinners (maybe everyday is a lot to ask for but a few times a week is not. Perhaps part of my issue is the sheer volume of things requiring improvement and how overwhelming it is. I love my job, but am seeing how hard all this is with 2 working parents, a girl fighting puberty and a teen boy who often thinks the rules just aren't that important. Add to that my reading about the Quitter conference and looking through Facebook watching the great lives it seems everyone else is having. I am not having a pity party. There may be some "poor me" in the mix; however my focus is more on how to make things better. Where to start? Anyone else feeling overwhelmed by life? Feel free to kvetch here, but let's not be a full time kvetcher (is that a word?). )
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