what I know today

I know that pride kills my relationship with Christ.  Anytime the “I” or “me” is primary in my thoughts I am probably in the wrong in some manner.  I know that I see things primarily through my own eyes and while I am often certain of my own perspective, the world is complicated and my perspective is not the only one that is valid.

I have struggled greatly over this past year in particular in my relationship with my husband.  I struggle because he does not meet my many of needs.  We are often talking and acting past one another because we do not speak one another’s love language and neither of us try hard enough to bridge that gap.  I believe (rightly or wrongly) that I feel this gap far more than my husband does.  I am deeply convinced that I am "more right” than he is on most of our issues and believe that the things I request from him are so small that it could possibly be cruel as to withhold them from me. 

My woes led me dangerously close to divorce and what stopped me from crossing that line is the belief that I would gain nothing.  I would gain only the 'loss of expectation' that things would get better.  This could also be phrased as the HOPE that things would get better.  I’ve just chosen not to go there.  I’ve sided on my pain and emptiness.

That my marriage has not turned out as I hoped and planned ultimately led me down the path of questioning God.  Not His existence because creation keeps me grounded there, but on who He is.  The personal-ness of the Jesus I always knew.  I’ve been blessed with the gift of faith and of often of optimism and that saw me through much.  The ultimate disappointment I experience in my marriage struck hard and deep and I believe has been used by the enemy to bring my walk with God to a crawl if not a halt.  It was brewing for years but my encounter with evil through the movie "Food, Inc." added incredible fuel to the fire.  The blaze of WHY has burned quite bright this past year.  My encounter with evil so clear and unnerving that I’ve been rendered almost helpless.  The evil is so big and I am just one; how could anything I do make a difference?

This same train of thought has carried me through in many other areas of life.  What is the point of so much suffering?  When I look at my Mom and see that while, yes, she has brought some of life’s ails upon herself, the most offensive of them were without her control.  These events in her life have forever transformed her into a deeply broken person who often despairs of life and struggles to cling to God.  What purpose is there in such suffering?  I always wanted to be like Joseph who, as far as we read, did not ask “why” of God though he was taken from his family, sold into slavery, rose to power, wrongly accused and thrown in jail where he was left to rot, then brought out again to ultimate glory in being present for God’s will.  I love that we don’t read him asking why.  Here I am now, asking Why and I hate it; but I cannot stop.  I must go through this if I ever hope to come out the other side.  There is still a part of me that trusts there is more though the doubt in my mind would seek to smother it.

I’ve tried to step back from the immediacy and emotion of my wants in my marriage and instead look at what I have.  Look at and appreciate the good I have.  Though we are cautioned against comparison, we humans do love to compare ourselves to one another.  When I compare the man Adam is with many other husbands I know of, he does stand tall.  He is a good man, with high moral character.  He works steadily, often at jobs he truly dislikes, and provides financially for our family.  He handles our finances with little complaint, though I do give him cause to complain more often than I should.  He is a good father who cares for his children and does seek to give them a good life.  He spends time with his children and while he does things in a very different way than I do, I appreciate that he is a father, not a mother, and I need to respect our differences.

My husband does most of the cooking and keeps things in our home from falling into complete untidiness, including doing most of the dishes.  He doesn’t ask much of me, doesn’t ask me to do his laundry or clean his bathroom.  He gives me the freedom to serve as often as I want and has allowed me to attend a church I prefer over our old church, though I believe his heart is still back there.

The separateness is not necessarily a rejection of me, though certainly I often feel it as such.  It can also be a coping mechanism for living in a life that is difficult (if only by first world standards).  In a world that seeks to rob us of our faith and beat down our hope, to exhaust us and keep us from shining a light for Christ.

So, today I know that I am not always right.  That there is always another point of view and even if I don’t share it, I do not ultimately decide the validity of the truth…God does. 

This weekend, I hope to spend some more time contemplating this and seeking reunion with a God I don’t always agree with.  A God I don’t understand.  To rekindle the hope that comes from knowing a God big enough I cannot grasp all of who He is.  To allow the reinstatement of my trust that He knows best.  That evil will not win.

marriage & selfishness

Today's Prayer 
God, Do You sense an independent spirit within me--one that hinders me from joining others in the mission You have called me to? While I do enjoy independence, it's nice sometimes to depend on someone else, to not have the whole weight of the world on my own shoulders. Help me to work with and live in harmony with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to help keep unity among believers as we go forward for the cause of Christ. If that means You need to work on that independent spirit within me, so be it. Help me, please. I love you, God. In Jesus name, amen.

Lord, I am quite sure I have an independent spirit.  I have not been as close to you this past year.  I don’t really like it.  I feel lost and wandering without you.

I realize this is because I’m not getting what I want.  That my husband is behaving so selfishly and I’m sure he feels he is not being selfish.  I am constantly wondering if it is me who needs to change and while I’m sure there are still things I can do to help the situation, I am leaning on the bulk of the responsibility for change being his because he is the one who is closed off and not doing anything different.

He cooks and cleans and tries to provide financially.  Is it too much to ask for more?  I can tell you that I am deeply dissatisfied by this or anything less than more.  God programmed me to want more.  How do I deal with that?  Do I just set that aside in my life because my husband doesn’t think more is necessary?  Do I pursue more on my own?

I want him to want more.  I don’t want him (or my kids for that matter) to settle for what is instead of reaching and trying for something better.  It’s like we tried a few times to have something more and it didn’t work out as planned and now he won’t risk himself again.  He is flat out wrong.

(Today's Prayer is taken from Prime Time With God by Oz Hillman)

SCL: Covet 2.0

A favorite blog of mine... wait, it's not a blog I write, it's a favorite blog.  OK, whatever, I think you get it.

Stuff Christians Like is a great blog!  (That's better.)  Today is "Serious Wednesday" and Jon (author) wrote about Covet 2.0.  I am not alone in agreeing that this was a timely and oh so true post!

(Welcome back; assuming you clicked to visit SCL and are now back... or perhaps I'm now alone with my covetous thoughts because you got lost in the wit and humor of SCL and are now committed to reading all the back posts.)

I sit before you at 12:16am, not tired (though I was at 8pm on my drive home thinking about a hot bath and a soft pillow before 9pm!  Such a glorious goal missed again!), and filled with the desire to be more than I currently am. (and hoping the bunny downstairs who is making so much noise would STOP already!)  I am going to catch a cold because this is my 3rd night (4th?) without enough rest and that always spells disaster for my health.  I just can't seem to get to bed).  Tonight I was even IN bed at 9pm, but this temptress of a computer was sitting there all glowy and warm, calling out to me.  I've been working long hours this week and I feel out of touch with so many things; reading blogs and news and such online makes me feel like I belong somewhere in the world. 

Does that sound bad?  Is it a good or bad thing that the internet is what makes me feel like I belong?  I guess if I still shower and have a job and can interact without people in a reasonable manner I am OK.  That's the standard I'm going with for now; albeit a low standard.  I do normally have far more live interaction with the world; but lately, my computer has been the go to source.  I'm not even really talking to people online.  I'm not on Facebook much, or emailing letters.  I'm just reading and occassionally writing.  There's so much inside, but often when I want to type it out of me... it's elusive. 

I find myself looking at the (albeit 1 dimensional) lives of others and dealing with some fairly deep dissatisfaction in my own life.

I know... I shouldn't compare myself with others - honestly I do know that!  It's biblical, it's wise!  And yet...

So, I will be working on uninstalling Covet 2.0!  I fear though, it is much like AOL and as often as I uninstall it will pop back up because it has embedded itself so deeply in the processes of my heart.  Perhaps this is why the word sacrifice comes up so often when discussing living our lives for Christ.

Doubt

So, like all thinking Christians, I have doubt.  I'm sure I also share in guilt and fear when my doubt comes to the surface.  Lately I have been dodging my doubt instead of thinking it through.  I'm not sure why I'm taking this tack, I normally would just deal with it and move on.


At church last night my doubt came back to the surface, but with another thought as to why it may be hanging around.  The message was about what we put our faith in.  Is there an area we need Jesus to shine His light into?  I realized, my marriage is the first thing that comes to mind that needs God's light, His help.  Later they asked what areas of your life has God spoken into.  I wrote the same list as before.

• Marriage
• Serving
• Parenting
• Growing

God has spoken into all these areas of my life and now I see that I have a large need for Him to speak into my life in many areas again.  I know my life is pretty broken right now.  I think my life is more broken than I realized; or perhaps I'm just growing used to the brokenness.  


Brokenness can lead to doubt.  Anything can lead to doubt, but when areas of difficulty pile up in your life, doubt has fertile ground.  My general thought process when doubt comes calling is to remind myself of Job, David and Creation.  Creation is kind of the silver bullet for doubt in my life because there is no chance evolution created such amazingly intricate beings as we are; not to mention the diversity of life on the planet that lives in such symbiotic relationship.  There had to be a watch maker.  


I feel better already.


So to deal with my doubt, I am writing today.  Perhaps this doubt has hung around longer because I've not dealt with it.  Because it's more elusive than it usually is.  I can't pinpoint what this doubt is trying to say.  It's more a feeling of uneasiness about faith without any specific point.  Almost like an anxiety attack, without the attack.  


I do believe that the state of my marriage, my current dissatisfaction with my life, my parenting, my kids, the lack of respect I receive in my home... have all played into doubt.  Add onto that the change in my ministry opportunities at church -- no longer leading a women's bible study as I have done for 7 years, no longer attending a weekly women's bible study as I have done for decades.  I'm feeling lost in this area of my life as well.  It has always been my bible study that grounds me.  Ahhh, now we are getting somewhere.  It truly has always been my bible study that grounds me.  I am without that and have been without it for over a year now.  It does make a huge difference in my life because it's the homework that drives me forward in my faith and understanding of who God is and how He is at work in my life.  Otherwise, I fall prey to life's business and my daily/weekly pursuit of bible study and drawing closer to God falls by the wayside.


With my marriage currently so broken; and so many of the attempts to mend it failing... I have lost a basis of strength. My bible study changing from what has been close to a lifetime of habit, another strength lost.  No wonder I'm feeling doubt.


Thanks for listening!  That helped!

Rejection

I was talking with my Mom today about rejection.  Actually, she was talking to me about rejection.  She recently broke up with a boyfriend we both thought was going to marry her.  It was one of those very strange break ups where we are both still flabbergasted and confused.  He'd asked her to move in for months and when she finally did, he flipped out.  It got ugly.  They are now barely friends.  Note: I am not excited about the moving in without marriage thing, but she's 65, knows better, yet often does mostly what she wants.

This isn't the first breakup.  It's been hard watching her date and worry about her getting hurt.  My Mom is pretty nice, and crazy, but we all have our baggage and the older we are, the more baggage we carry.  I would have said she has more baggage than most, in fact I planned to type that next; but when I think about the recent ex boyfriend, I'm just not sure that is accurate.  He did a 180 AFTER she got all her stuff in the house and then tried to just throw her out.  That's a lot of baggage!  That as a rational (guessing here) adult who at 65+ should know enough about them self to know that he doesn't want to live with a woman...to behave that way.  My Mom may not be as crazy as I initially thought.  Or she just fares well in competition to others her age.

So rejection.  She's hurt - who wouldn't be. She is now thinking that she shouldn't date.  That dating is a frustration in dashed hopes of being loved.  I want to tell her this isn't true and hope springs eternal and there is somebody to love everybody; but I can't.  It isn't true.  She may not have another.  There is a lot of rejection in her life.  She talked about being in pain.  Agony kind of pain where the only salvation is to find a way to get out of yourself and travel someplace else to escape it.  (she is disabled)  Sharing that experience she said the only place she could go was to go to God.  To spend time with him away from her pain.  The only way to survive is to totally surrender to God and accept that if this is where her life is; she's OK with it because God is with her.

Fast forward to this evening where we had our final Rooted Bible Study celebration.  We talked about how to live the Christian life.  How did Jesus live the Christian life?  He was totally surrendered to it.  He surrendered His Godhood to become incarnate in a body.  He will never leave the body He's in.  He gave up that ability to be everywhere physically to be our sacrifice.  Surrender.

I wrote down that I am not surrendered.
I am not surrendered in my marriage.  To God, to my husband.  I am angry and still think "I" can do something about it.  I'm not sure this is the lesson and yet letting go makes me hopeless.  I'm a doer.  Perhaps part of this lesson is for me.

I am not surrendered to God.  I still think I am in control.  I'm not, but I'm still striving for control.  When I think about it intellectually, this is funny because I'm not in control of anything.  I'm a force of nature going about my day touching ground occasionally.  I'm interrupted so many times throughout the day and that would be OK if I didn't have other work to do; but I am so not in control.

So this weekend, I have some spiritual work to do.  I need to do some surrendering to God.  I do trust Him so the intellectual part of it is OK.  I'm part of the way there.  I have stopped short of actually behaving in trust though.  Wonder if I'm going to find that I don't trust God as much as I think I do.  I sure hope not cuz that would be so much harder to deal with.  Just the idea of surrender is hard.

I think that perhaps now I am going to surrender to sleep.  My body is weary and I have much to do tomorrow.

Blessings on you all.

Tomorrow...and daily... let's start our day by telling God it's all His anyway and we acknowledge that.
You are God and I am not.
Lord, today, not my will, but Your will!

Discontent

I am discontent. I try not to be. I know that discontent often comes from expectations and as sad as it may initially sound, I try not to have many expectations. I don't expect my kids to behave- I know they won't and am pleased when they do what is expected. We are all a work in progress and any step in a forward direction is a good thing.

This does not mean I don't have big dreams or high standards, because I do. I want a loving relationship with my husband that is mutually fulfilling. I want my kids to grow up to be wonderful, thoughtful, kind people who can support themselves financially at something they even like doing.

I want to have family dinners (maybe everyday is a lot to ask for but a few times a week is not. Perhaps part of my issue is the sheer volume of things requiring improvement and how overwhelming it is. I love my job, but am seeing how hard all this is with 2 working parents, a girl fighting puberty and a teen boy who often thinks the rules just aren't that important. Add to that my reading about the Quitter conference and looking through Facebook watching the great lives it seems everyone else is having. I am not having a pity party. There may be some "poor me" in the mix; however my focus is more on how to make things better. Where to start? Anyone else feeling overwhelmed by life? Feel free to kvetch here, but let's not be a full time kvetcher (is that a word?). )

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