I was talking with my Mom today about rejection. Actually, she was talking to me about rejection. She recently broke up with a boyfriend we both thought was going to marry her. It was one of those very strange break ups where we are both still flabbergasted and confused. He'd asked her to move in for months and when she finally did, he flipped out. It got ugly. They are now barely friends. Note: I am not excited about the moving in without marriage thing, but she's 65, knows better, yet often does mostly what she wants.
This isn't the first breakup. It's been hard watching her date and worry about her getting hurt. My Mom is pretty nice, and crazy, but we all have our baggage and the older we are, the more baggage we carry. I would have said she has more baggage than most, in fact I planned to type that next; but when I think about the recent ex boyfriend, I'm just not sure that is accurate. He did a 180 AFTER she got all her stuff in the house and then tried to just throw her out. That's a lot of baggage! That as a rational (guessing here) adult who at 65+ should know enough about them self to know that he doesn't want to live with a woman...to behave that way. My Mom may not be as crazy as I initially thought. Or she just fares well in competition to others her age.
So rejection. She's hurt - who wouldn't be. She is now thinking that she shouldn't date. That dating is a frustration in dashed hopes of being loved. I want to tell her this isn't true and hope springs eternal and there is somebody to love everybody; but I can't. It isn't true. She may not have another. There is a lot of rejection in her life. She talked about being in pain. Agony kind of pain where the only salvation is to find a way to get out of yourself and travel someplace else to escape it. (she is disabled) Sharing that experience she said the only place she could go was to go to God. To spend time with him away from her pain. The only way to survive is to totally surrender to God and accept that if this is where her life is; she's OK with it because God is with her.
Fast forward to this evening where we had our final Rooted Bible Study celebration. We talked about how to live the Christian life. How did Jesus live the Christian life? He was totally surrendered to it. He surrendered His Godhood to become incarnate in a body. He will never leave the body He's in. He gave up that ability to be everywhere physically to be our sacrifice. Surrender.
I wrote down that I am not surrendered.
I am not surrendered in my marriage. To God, to my husband. I am angry and still think "I" can do something about it. I'm not sure this is the lesson and yet letting go makes me hopeless. I'm a doer. Perhaps part of this lesson is for me.
I am not surrendered to God. I still think I am in control. I'm not, but I'm still striving for control. When I think about it intellectually, this is funny because I'm not in control of anything. I'm a force of nature going about my day touching ground occasionally. I'm interrupted so many times throughout the day and that would be OK if I didn't have other work to do; but I am so not in control.
So this weekend, I have some spiritual work to do. I need to do some surrendering to God. I do trust Him so the intellectual part of it is OK. I'm part of the way there. I have stopped short of actually behaving in trust though. Wonder if I'm going to find that I don't trust God as much as I think I do. I sure hope not cuz that would be so much harder to deal with. Just the idea of surrender is hard.
I think that perhaps now I am going to surrender to sleep. My body is weary and I have much to do tomorrow.
Blessings on you all.
Tomorrow...and daily... let's start our day by telling God it's all His anyway and we acknowledge that.
You are God and I am not.
Lord, today, not my will, but Your will!