lonely

I am so lonely.  I want romance!  Not flowers and chocolates romance, real romance.  Falling in love or being in love, feeling in love.  Looking forward to sharing my day and my thoughts with somebody who cares.  Everything seems so basic lately.  I feel like there is no depth in my life.  Am I just playing at living right now?  It's not that I'm not present, because I am.  Oh this makes no sense.  I'm just rambling, but then, this is my ramble blog.  Nonsense and deep thoughts and ranting when needed.

I am lonely.

My marriage is a shell.  We are roommates and parents with occasional benefits.  I am the one doing the pursuing and I so want to be pursued.  I want to be... wanted.  To feel pretty and loved and interesting.  I want to say "I deserve" to feel these things, but I don't know that I believe life is about my happiness.  There is certainly happiness to be found in life, but I do not believe it is the goal.  There is more to it than that.  

I guess I am just lost with my marriage in trouble and my husband tuned out and here I am feeling better about myself than I ever have and "nobody" to appreciate it.  It doesn't seem fair; but then I tell my children constantly... life is not fair.

I am hiding in romantic stories of fictional men who care.  Right now I am no disallusioned by relationships.  I give too much and so often that I think I have trained others not to give back.  So foolish.  I wish I'd learned to balance this all better.
sigh

Maybe I can sleep some of this off.

bored

I laugh a little as I write that word because I've been busy.  Still, I am bored.  I usually have more intellectual stuff to do and I've had very little of it.  We have a shut down at work between Christmas and New Years so today was the first day since the 22nd that I've worked.  It actually felt good to work today.

I didn't sign up for anything.  By that I mean that... I didn't sign up for anything at church.  I applied to do a different kind of ministry, but nobody has contacted me about my application so I have no idea if they will want me to join in on the fun and chaos.

No women's bible study; which might not seem like a big deal to you, but I do this as a matter of fact and have done for for over 15 years.  This past year is the first time in many years that I've not been involved in one. 

The idea of not doing anything over the next few weeks or months kind of makes me nervous.  The idea of not being committed to anything also kind of makes me happy.  I'm just not sure I would continue to feel that way.  So, I asked if the church needed any leaders for the next round of studies they are doing.  I've led 2 groups, so I am at least qualified.

I guess I'm feeling a little rudderless.  This whole not having enough friends has thrown me a bit.  I guess I was so happy with having a group of friends for a while that when it whittled down to almost nobody I didn't quite know what to do with myself.  Now I find myself reliant on one whole person to fulfill all my friendship needs and that's not fair -- or possible.  I've now added a second person, so that's good.  I can work on building some more with one or two people at work, but they also have very full personal lives.  Hmmm, not sure where to go with this.

The plus side is that I am spending more time with my family.  That is always a good thing.  Perhaps that is what God intended.

(side note:  Lord, please help my daughter to find the power cord to the tablet so that wonderful little device might be charged and used and appreciated once again!)

I have so many wonderful ideas that if employed with consistency would put me in line for Mother of the Year; but that caveat (consistency) is the trouble.  Consistency is not a strong suit for me.  I am good at going to church.  I can be consistent there it seems only.

So, I remain bored.  Bored means I watch too much TV.  I've been watching a show about a family and am now falling for the husband/father because he's such a great hubby and father and it warms my heart.  I know he's fictional (I even looked the actor up online to read more about him...silly I know).  I go through periods like this where I latch on to someone because I've spent time getting to know a character. 

Well, bored or not, it's bedtime and I have work early tomorrow.

Blessings on you all.