Thursday, May 19, 2011

How long must I wait?

Frustration. 
Frustration with my life, with my own abilities, with my pride, with the pride of others, with emptiness.

I've been working on my family.  My realtionship with my kids and especially with my husband.  I'm tired.  I'm not making enough progress fast enough for me.  I can hear things that God wants me to do, and I flat out don't want to do them.

I am haunted by Why Should I Be The First To Change
I am angered by the marriage counselor telling me that my husband/my marriage is like dealing with a scared kitten hiding under the sofa.  I have to be kind and patient and rewarding.

This is not an easy behavior when feeling isolated, neglected and lonely.  I am currently more concerned with my own rights and needs than those of my husband and yet, as I currently have more "awarness" of what our marriage needs (skipping the "men are doof's" comments) truthfully, I am the one called to action here.  I know God is calling us to more and I want that, I want the more!  I just cannot let go of the idea that the work to be done is mine.  God will help me, yes, I know that...I guess I just don't believe it.  I don't trust that if I do "A" my husband will do "B" or even "C" or "L" or "Q."

Tenth Avenue North played on my way to work today.  The first time I heard this song I was almost offended by it.  I was in another state and wondered if I was actually listening to a Christian station or just happened to catch a "christiany song."  When I heard it again, I was touched by the cry to God.

Today, I am identifying with it.  But I'm going to add my 2X4 twist...
How long must I wait for myself to do what God asks of me?
How long till I surrender and let Him take care of the issues plaguing my life currently?
How long will I continue to give lip service to the prayer needed to protect and unite my family?
How long...

HOLD MY HEART by Tenth Avenue North
How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart

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