Friday, April 22, 2011

I Wish Land

I am having faith issues right now. 
First, that's kind of a big deal to me.  God has blessed me with big faith and most of the time this isn't something I have to deal with.  My faith rises up to overcome the problems in my life -- even if only after I've had the opportunity to whine & complain about them first. (I mean come on...it's a girls right, right?)

I am having problems with my family.  At this point, I will spare you the details, but I find myself frustrated today that these issues still exist.  I have a stack of reasons why these issues exist and they include actual reasons that were, in fairness, beyond my control.  Reasons I could not overcome to be the Mom & Wife I'd dreamed of being. 

However, there are other reasons too.  These might fall into more of an excuse column... maybe the line is blurred.  I do not spend much time, if any, playing the "I wish" game.  I wish my past had been different.  I wish... whatever.  There is just no point.  I can't change the past so move on already.  In this area, I seem to be spending more time in I Wish Land.  I wish post partum didn't happen to me.  I wish it hadn't damaged my ability to mother.  I wish it hadn't damaged my relationship with my husband.  I wish those great friends of mine who tried so desperately to show me how to do things better... I really wish I'd listened more and tried harder!!  I can still hear their wisdom and at times it echo's in the dark places of my heart where I don't measure up and I can't run away from that.

I wish, I could be more like them; like those friends whose wisdom was so valuable, yet unheaded.  I wish my family were healthier emotionally.  I wish I wasn't so worried about my son growing up to be a decent, functioning man instead of an emotional psychotic.  (OK, that may be a bit dramatic, but that is the fear when I'm in I Wish Land.).

So today, right now, I will pray.  I will pray for my faith to be restored, for my inabilities to be filled with God's grace, for my family to be whole - even with a few cracks.  For my frustration not to get the better of me.

Know what I mean?

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