I am having faith issues right now.
First, that's kind of a big deal to me. God has blessed me with big faith and most of the time this isn't something I have to deal with. My faith rises up to overcome the problems in my life -- even if only after I've had the opportunity to whine & complain about them first. (I mean come on...it's a girls right, right?)
I am having problems with my family. At this point, I will spare you the details, but I find myself frustrated today that these issues still exist. I have a stack of reasons why these issues exist and they include actual reasons that were, in fairness, beyond my control. Reasons I could not overcome to be the Mom & Wife I'd dreamed of being.
However, there are other reasons too. These might fall into more of an excuse column... maybe the line is blurred. I do not spend much time, if any, playing the "I wish" game. I wish my past had been different. I wish... whatever. There is just no point. I can't change the past so move on already. In this area, I seem to be spending more time in I Wish Land. I wish post partum didn't happen to me. I wish it hadn't damaged my ability to mother. I wish it hadn't damaged my relationship with my husband. I wish those great friends of mine who tried so desperately to show me how to do things better... I really wish I'd listened more and tried harder!! I can still hear their wisdom and at times it echo's in the dark places of my heart where I don't measure up and I can't run away from that.
I wish, I could be more like them; like those friends whose wisdom was so valuable, yet unheaded. I wish my family were healthier emotionally. I wish I wasn't so worried about my son growing up to be a decent, functioning man instead of an emotional psychotic. (OK, that may be a bit dramatic, but that is the fear when I'm in I Wish Land.).
So today, right now, I will pray. I will pray for my faith to be restored, for my inabilities to be filled with God's grace, for my family to be whole - even with a few cracks. For my frustration not to get the better of me.
Know what I mean?