Honestly, my faith has been wavering much this year. Who is God, how involved is He, the whole problem of evil thing has bitten me and will not let go. The idea that Jesus has come already makes me start to wonder what the point of everything is. We seem to just struggle and suffer down here and there is so much of it. Perhaps I have lost my ability to count it joy having been denied the marriage I so wanted.
I am finding the world more alluring and can even see that this could all be a trap of the enemy a’ la Screwtape, and yet…
Creation is still the foundation of my faith as I do not see a way away from the knowledge that intelligent design is the only thing that makes a modicum of sense; in fact I find creation the single most compelling reason to believe in God.
I see no benefit in such extreme suffering. Why should my Mother be so unhappy and so deeply depressed and alone. To what end? I find myself thinking that her inability to let go of the past and have any happiness as bordering on cruelty. Is the whole thing just a life lesson on the evil of sin?
I hear the arguments on love demands choice. I sit with that. I completely agree that love demands choice.
I know the argument for “how much evil would be acceptable?” Would half the evil in the world be acceptable? Well, probably not. How much evil have we been spared and just don’t realize it.
I think perhaps I’m just being selfish or my usual 2x4 girl attitude is out of control.
And yet, here I am.