Friday, July 8, 2011

Fighting with the hubster (put the knife down woman)

I must confess I love a good fight.  I do not mind confrontation and thoroughly enjoy winning them when the opportunity arises.  I actually got money back from the Irvine Company when we moved out of one of their apartments.  If you don't live in Orange County (or even Southern California) this will have little meaning to you; so to offer context... it's up there with arguing to get money back from the IRS because you disagree with their findings.  (Actually, I'm quite proud of that particular altercation and am delighted when given the opportunity to recount it.  But that's not why we are here today.)

For the first, oh, say, 10 years of my marriage, I gave my husband to "The Irvine Company Treatment" in the fight department.  I think it would be fair to say I kind of ground him into dust.  Not that I won every argument - though my pride so wants that to be true because then, I'm, you know, justified.  I remember the exact moment I realized I was ruining our relationship with this behavior.  Sparing you the voluminous details I'm capable of, my husbter turned to me and said, "When we fight, it doesn't matter what I say, it doesn't even matter if I'm right.  I know in the end you have to be right or it will never stop."

2x4 in action.

That was a whack upside the head.  God used that one small statement in the midst of a fight and I've tried very hard to change from that moment on.  I don't think my husband has any idea how hard I try to change because I know some of my dreck leaks out.  Seriously, there are days where I shouldn't be in the kitchen because there are weapons of mass destruction in there that in the heat of battle, I may be tempted to use.

Fast forward to my best friend moving away.  Insert period of appropriate mourning.  OK, we can talk about it again...

She and her husband were having a discussion about getting a new bed.  His comment to her was they would get a new bed when she lost weight.  Now, before you go all nuclear about this (like I did) listen to her response.  She laughed!  She knew it wasn't true so why should it bother her. 

Could it really be THAT easy?  Not letting what's not true bother me?

So I tried that on for a while.  Tested it out.  You know what?  IT'S POWERFUL!  It's FREEDOM!  It's revolutionary!  It actually kind of changed my life.

But I forgot all that last night.
My husband and I had what ended up being conflicting plans last night.
I intended to bring the offspring with me to a movie and he intended (as he intends each Thursday) to have quiet time.  Being a 9 on the Myers Briggs Introvert scale, he requires such things at regular intervals to function at a basic level.  When we got home... no offspring.

No note.
No cell phones (both are currently lost -- so not replacing those).
My offspring really are not old enough for this kind of behavior. 

So I called around looking for them without success until I'm ready to walk out the door to my movie & other friends (those other people being the reason I couldn't just cancel my plans, which I so would have done).  My husband was NOT HAPPY!  We had a few words because now I'm feeling bad about his unhappiness.  I am now unhappy with him for "making" me feel bad for not cancelling my plans.  He just wants his down time.  I just want to see friends.  Really, neither of us want something bad. 

I'm late, so I leave. 

But I'm not done.

I call him and try to talk it out.  I get his go to response, "I have nothing to say.  We will have to agree to disagree."

Except that I have an emotional response to this and it is icky and I want him to take that away so I can enjoy my evening.  I want him to make me feel better and tell me, "it's OK, go enjoy your evening."  We go back and forth.  He keeps saying the "agree to disagree" thing and I'm having visions on sharp instruments but am determined not to devolve into a screaming banshee (though I do a really good screaming banshee, just so you know).  Ultimately, nothing is resolved.

I sit in my car and cry until I can pull myself together then I walk in to see my friends.
I don't share that I just fought with the hubster.
We talk and I try to enjoy myself, but I wonder if the guilt I feel for taking the evening away from the hubster is showing.

Walking up to the movie theater, I get a flash of brilliance.  Called home and offered to have the hubster drop the offspring off to see the movie with me.  He shockingly says NO!
The movie was really good and I cried through most of it which left me emotionally exhausted.  Went home to the usual offspring waiting for me, where have you been all night, now let's smother Mom greeting and we all go to bed.

Fast forward to this morning.
The hubster comes in and gives me a big hug.


And now the ick is gone and I'm ready to tackle another Friday.
(but I really shouldn't have eaten that half a donut.  ICK)

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