Tuesday, December 20, 2011

disagreements

          
Dear God, I praise you and thank you for who you are. Please guide me and help me when I face conflict and disagreement with others. Help me to follow biblical principles. Sometimes I'm just "hard-headed" and do not want to give in to compromise, even when either view, decision, desire is biblical. Help me to carefully consider the other person's perspective and situation. And if someone has wronged me, give me courage to confront them in a spirit of love and reconciliation. If they will not hear me, show me who should go with me to talk with the person. When necessary, help me to continue on and take steps based on Your Word. I want to do what is right, and as much as possible, to live peaceably with all people. Please forgive me where I have failed, and give me the grace and wisdom to do better; to do what is right. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen
Thank you Os once again for hitting me right where I need to be… hit.
I had a fight with my husband last night and while I’m still smarting from it and the general feeling of neglect I deal with in my marriage and my family; seeing that God cares about me does make a big difference in my ability to move forward in some way.  I mean really!  I sit here at work feeling wounded and unloved because of the argument and my husband’s ability to turn it off and move forward without any concern for how I’m feeling (drat, tears again!) and this comes as a prayer.  I think I’ll be praying it hourly today as I attempt to not plot revenge by spending money this afternoon (for things I actually need yes, but in my state of mind there would be some revenge there too!).
Prayer from TGIF: Today God Is First by Os Hillman

Friday, December 9, 2011

SCL: Covet 2.0

A favorite blog of mine... wait, it's not a blog I write, it's a favorite blog.  OK, whatever, I think you get it.

Stuff Christians Like is a great blog!  (That's better.)  Today is "Serious Wednesday" and Jon (author) wrote about Covet 2.0.  I am not alone in agreeing that this was a timely and oh so true post!

(Welcome back; assuming you clicked to visit SCL and are now back... or perhaps I'm now alone with my covetous thoughts because you got lost in the wit and humor of SCL and are now committed to reading all the back posts.)

I sit before you at 12:16am, not tired (though I was at 8pm on my drive home thinking about a hot bath and a soft pillow before 9pm!  Such a glorious goal missed again!), and filled with the desire to be more than I currently am. (and hoping the bunny downstairs who is making so much noise would STOP already!)  I am going to catch a cold because this is my 3rd night (4th?) without enough rest and that always spells disaster for my health.  I just can't seem to get to bed).  Tonight I was even IN bed at 9pm, but this temptress of a computer was sitting there all glowy and warm, calling out to me.  I've been working long hours this week and I feel out of touch with so many things; reading blogs and news and such online makes me feel like I belong somewhere in the world. 

Does that sound bad?  Is it a good or bad thing that the internet is what makes me feel like I belong?  I guess if I still shower and have a job and can interact without people in a reasonable manner I am OK.  That's the standard I'm going with for now; albeit a low standard.  I do normally have far more live interaction with the world; but lately, my computer has been the go to source.  I'm not even really talking to people online.  I'm not on Facebook much, or emailing letters.  I'm just reading and occassionally writing.  There's so much inside, but often when I want to type it out of me... it's elusive. 


I find myself looking at the (albeit 1 dimensional) lives of others and dealing with some fairly deep dissatisfaction in my own life.

I know... I shouldn't compare myself with others - honestly I do know that!  It's biblical, it's wise!  And yet...

So, I will be working on uninstalling Covet 2.0!  I fear though, it is much like AOL and as often as I uninstall it will pop back up because it has embedded itself so deeply in the processes of my heart.  Perhaps this is why the word sacrifice comes up so often when discussing living our lives for Christ.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Using Jerry Springer to Preach Christ

This is the only email devotional I receive these days and most days I read it.  I love that Os starts with a prayer and how often that prayer puts me in the place I need to be or speaks to where I am. 

Taken from:  TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman

Today's Prayer God, I know that Jesus had a special place in His heart for the poor. He said that the poor would always be among us. How can I use my gifts and talents to help the poor in my community? Please lead me and show me the best way to bless them and meet their needs in your name, that I might also point them to You.

Using Jerry Springer to Preach Christ
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
12-08-2011
"On hearing this, Jesus said, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners'" (Matt 9:12-13).
 
Linda Rios Brook is a businesswoman who desires to impact the culture with the Good News of Jesus Christ. Linda lives on the front lines of the fast-paced world of business. A former President and General Manager of a network television affiliate in Minneapolis, Linda resigned her position after making comments about her faith in her local newspaper; which subsequently resulted in a company policy which precluded officers and managers from publicly identifying with a specific faith.
Linda was approached by a Christian foundation with the opportunity to purchase a television station in her local market. The idea of managing a "religious" television station did not appeal to her in the least because she knew that such a format would not sustain a for profit business model.
After losing hundreds of thousands of dollars every month in attempting to attract a "Christian audience" she realized that the station could not survive without a more mainstream programming lineup. An opportunity arose to get the Rush Limbaugh program from a competitor, but only if she also took "The Jerry Springer Show." Linda struggled with what to do with this program, knowing the religious community would criticize this decision. Then, the Lord gave her an idea.
She decided to place a rolling statement across the bottom of the page that said, "Need a friend? Call 555-5555." She decided to use the Jerry Springer Show as bait for ministering to those who might be watching the program, who she concluded represented a ripe field for the gospel. Her insight proved true. The phones began to ring off the hook and many came to Christ as a result.
Sometimes we need to get out of our religious boxes and see how we can impact the culture using even the most negative influences in our culture to do it.

Monday, November 28, 2011

strange dreams


So, I often have some pretty strange dreams.  I have a friend who always says “Please don’t tell me about your dreams… I don’t care.” Which I get, but still, I have some pretty interesting ones.

I dream about spiders a lot.  They apparently mean something.  Actually everything means something.  I like to look things up in dream journals when a particularly vivid dream hits me, but I truly have no confidence that anything they say is accurate.  I always wonder who decided what different elements in a dream mean?  How do we know that is true or accurate?  I think Freud had a lot to do with it and Jung; but don’t we kind of know now that Freud wasn’t the sanest person to begin with and that the pool of people he chose to study were not a standard by which the general public would choose as ‘normal’.  Anyway… that being said.  Here is my latest dream.

In the ocean just offshore and there is suddenly a cow in the water.  A group of people decided that we should get the cow out of the water and devised a raft type contraption pulled by a boat to do just this.  However, we were concerned about sharks because the cow raft contraption wouldn’t go very fast without tipping over.  (Yes, my dreams are this detailed.  It’s no wonder I often wake up tired.  I’ve “done” so much while sleeping.)

To keep the sharks away we decided I would follow (fuzzy detail… in a boat? Just swimming? Who knows.) with a big stick that would put out sound waves and hopefully distract the shark.  However, having not thought this through properly, the distraction became ME and now the shark was following.  I made it to shore, on a very short beach with the tide coming in and was quite fearful the shark would follow into the shallow water and bite me.  So I climbed up the rock cliff in front of me a bit to get out of the way of the shark.  I made it just high enough that the shark couldn’t get me.  It’s head was touching the bottom of my foot, but I couldn’t get any higher without risking falling and giving the shark his opportunity to eat me.  So I stayed that way until the tide went out.  It seemed like a really long time.

I must have eventually managed to extricate myself from my friend the shark, because then I was staying with a friend in a beautiful ocean front home and we were going to sleep.  I couldn’t sleep because we were so close to the water and I couldn’t relax after my near fatal shark encounter.  So I went for a walk and quickly found myself on a path in a semi wilderness where I happened upon a…. smoothie machine.  It was oddly stationed about 20 yards from the concession stand where one would pay (and get other food).  I grabbed my smoothie and went to pay.  At the window, imagine my glee to see that Johnny Depp was working there; though I wondered why on earth he was there even in my dream.  I told him it was wonderful that he was so “nice” and “down to earth” (one can only assume because he chose to work in this little out of the way smoothie spot in the middle of nowhere.  I may have tried to tell him about the shark encounter, but alas; it was time to wake up.  Or so said my husband walking from room to room to wake the house up for Monday after a nice long weekend.
If one were to look up the main elements of my dream in a dream dictionary; you might find…

Shark:  To see a shark in your dream indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others.  Perhaps, you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality with these qualities.
Alternate Possibility:  Who knows why a shark is there; but the shark pressing on my foot all night could have been my daughter doing her best at extreme cuddling where she entwines herself in my limbs to the best of her ability (all while asleep, it’s really pretty incredible).  My guess is her foot was under my foot and pressing into the bottom of it.
Now I’m wondering if this isn’t also from the nature show I caught with my daughter.  Although it was about lions and cheetah’s and such; although one was in a tree to get away from hyenas.

Cow:  To see a cow in your dream symbolizes your passive and docile nature. (excuse me while I laugh.  However, there is one person in my life I do fall into this behavior with and I was not happy Sunday.  Could be.) You obey others without question. (more laughter) Alternatively, a cow represents maternal instincts or the desire to be cared for. For some cultures, the cow represents divine qualities of fertility, nourishment and motherhood. (Alternate explanation:  probably because I watched the last few minutes of a movie with cows in it, but still, why in distress and why in the OCEAN?).

Rescue: To dream that you are being rescued or rescue others represents an aspect of yourself that has been neglected or ignored. You are trying to find a way to express this neglected part of yourself. Alternatively, it symbolizes an unconscious cry for help. Perhaps you are too proud in your waking life to ask for assistance.  (Not too proud to ask for help, but there is an issue or two in my life that this could describe.)

Ocean:  To see an ocean in your dream represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal. Alternatively, the dream means that you are feeling empowered and unhindered. You have a positive outlook in life and are not limited by anything. If you are sailing across the ocean, then it signifies new found freedom and independence. You are showing great courage. If the ocean is rough, then the dream represents some emotional turmoil. You are doing your best to handle life's ups and downs. 
So, whatever that means…  Goodnight.  Don't let the bedbugs (or sharks) bite.




Facebook

So I have been pretty much staying away from Facebook for the past two weeks and I have to say that not going on and seeing the seemingly "perfect" lives everyone else is living.


I think this FB vacation is going to continue!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Doubt

So, like all thinking Christians, I have doubt.  I'm sure I also share in guilt and fear when my doubt comes to the surface.  Lately I have been dodging my doubt instead of thinking it through.  I'm not sure why I'm taking this tack, I normally would just deal with it and move on.


At church last night my doubt came back to the surface, but with another thought as to why it may be hanging around.  The message was about what we put our faith in.  Is there an area we need Jesus to shine His light into?  I realized, my marriage is the first thing that comes to mind that needs God's light, His help.  Later they asked what areas of your life has God spoken into.  I wrote the same list as before.

  • Marriage
  • Serving
  • Parenting
  • Growing

God has spoken into all these areas of my life and now I see that I have a large need for Him to speak into my life in many areas again.  I know my life is pretty broken right now.  I think my life is more broken than I realized; or perhaps I'm just growing used to the brokenness.  


Brokenness can lead to doubt.  Anything can lead to doubt, but when areas of difficulty pile up in your life, doubt has fertile ground.  My general thought process when doubt comes calling is to remind myself of Job, David and Creation.  Creation is kind of the silver bullet for doubt in my life because there is no chance evolution created such amazingly intricate beings as we are; not to mention the diversity of life on the planet that lives in such symbiotic relationship.  There had to be a watch maker.  


I feel better already.


So to deal with my doubt, I am writing today.  Perhaps this doubt has hung around longer because I've not dealt with it.  Because it's more elusive than it usually is.  I can't pinpoint what this doubt is trying to say.  It's more a feeling of uneasiness about faith without any specific point.  Almost like an anxiety attack, without the attack.  


I do believe that the state of my marriage, my current dissatisfaction with my life, my parenting, my kids, the lack of respect I receive in my home... have all played into doubt.  Add onto that the change in my ministry opportunities at church -- no longer leading a women's bible study as I have done for 7 years, no longer attending a weekly women's bible study as I have done for decades.  I'm feeling lost in this area of my life as well.  It has always been my bible study that grounds me.  Ahhh, now we are getting somewhere.  It truly has always been my bible study that grounds me.  I am without that and have been without it for over a year now.  It does make a huge difference in my life because it's the homework that drives me forward in my faith and understanding of who God is and how He is at work in my life.  Otherwise, I fall prey to life's business and my daily/weekly pursuit of bible study and drawing closer to God falls by the wayside.


With my marriage currently so broken; and so many of the attempts to mend it failing... I have lost a basis of strength. My bible study changing from what has been close to a lifetime of habit, another strength lost.  No wonder I'm feeling doubt.


Thanks for listening!  That helped!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Rejection

I was talking with my Mom today about rejection.  Actually, she was talking to me about rejection.  She recently broke up with a boyfriend we both thought was going to marry her.  It was one of those very strange break ups where we are both still flabbergasted and confused.  He'd asked her to move in for months and when she finally did, he flipped out.  It got ugly.  They are now barely friends.  Note: I am not excited about the moving in without marriage thing, but she's 65, knows better, yet often does mostly what she wants.

This isn't the first breakup.  It's been hard watching her date and worry about her getting hurt.  My Mom is pretty nice, and crazy, but we all have our baggage and the older we are, the more baggage we carry.  I would have said she has more baggage than most, in fact I planned to type that next; but when I think about the recent ex boyfriend, I'm just not sure that is accurate.  He did a 180 AFTER she got all her stuff in the house and then tried to just throw her out.  That's a lot of baggage!  That as a rational (guessing here) adult who at 65+ should know enough about them self to know that he doesn't want to live with a woman...to behave that way.  My Mom may not be as crazy as I initially thought.  Or she just fares well in competition to others her age.

So rejection.  She's hurt - who wouldn't be. She is now thinking that she shouldn't date.  That dating is a frustration in dashed hopes of being loved.  I want to tell her this isn't true and hope springs eternal and there is somebody to love everybody; but I can't.  It isn't true.  She may not have another.  There is a lot of rejection in her life.  She talked about being in pain.  Agony kind of pain where the only salvation is to find a way to get out of yourself and travel someplace else to escape it.  (she is disabled)  Sharing that experience she said the only place she could go was to go to God.  To spend time with him away from her pain.  The only way to survive is to totally surrender to God and accept that if this is where her life is; she's OK with it because God is with her.

Fast forward to this evening where we had our final Rooted Bible Study celebration.  We talked about how to live the Christian life.  How did Jesus live the Christian life?  He was totally surrendered to it.  He surrendered His Godhood to become incarnate in a body.  He will never leave the body He's in.  He gave up that ability to be everywhere physically to be our sacrifice.  Surrender.

I wrote down that I am not surrendered.
I am not surrendered in my marriage.  To God, to my husband.  I am angry and still think "I" can do something about it.  I'm not sure this is the lesson and yet letting go makes me hopeless.  I'm a doer.  Perhaps part of this lesson is for me.

I am not surrendered to God.  I still think I am in control.  I'm not, but I'm still striving for control.  When I think about it intellectually, this is funny because I'm not in control of anything.  I'm a force of nature going about my day touching ground occasionally.  I'm interrupted so many times throughout the day and that would be OK if I didn't have other work to do; but I am so not in control.

So this weekend, I have some spiritual work to do.  I need to do some surrendering to God.  I do trust Him so the intellectual part of it is OK.  I'm part of the way there.  I have stopped short of actually behaving in trust though.  Wonder if I'm going to find that I don't trust God as much as I think I do.  I sure hope not cuz that would be so much harder to deal with.  Just the idea of surrender is hard.

I think that perhaps now I am going to surrender to sleep.  My body is weary and I have much to do tomorrow.

Blessings on you all.

Tomorrow...and daily... let's start our day by telling God it's all His anyway and we acknowledge that.
You are God and I am not.
Lord, today, not my will, but Your will!