I've got nothing

Lots of ideas all day, and now nothing.  Bits and pieces of ideas and nothing I can put together.  I could tell you that we have a new bunny.  She's cute.  Oh, I told you before, she was an attack bunny the 2nd day we had her.  That was funny.  Now she's reasonably nice, but is drunk with freedom.  We let her run around the downstairs (and poo in the corner) and every so often she just jumps up high and wiggles her bum in the air and goes on about her business.  Almost like something scared her mid hop. 

Our cat, Marmalade, is in the house.  He has met the bunny is thus far isn't impressed.  Actually, he's scared of said bunny (who still has no name).  He has always been a "fraidy cat" from the day I rescued him.  He was found at a wee kitten in front of a grocery store, shaking and afraid.  i got him from someone who couldn't have cats and it took me 3 days of holding him before he finally stopped shaking.  Then, he would hide, but with only his head hidden, bum still out.  Which of course made me laugh.  So he's always been afraid.  Now he's big.  Not huge, but big.  The bun was hopping around last night and cornered Marmalade in the kitchen.  I heard him hissing and got up just to make sure the bun was ok.  It didn't occur to me Marmalade might need rescuing.  Zoom, he ran up the stairs and away from the bunny.  I have a feeling they will eventually get along.

So naming the bunny.  I want to name her Fifi or Fiona.  Don't ask me why, I don't know.

Arguments Between Churches

learning in steps

I just had a small (but meaningful) "aha" moment.

I've been working at my current job for almost 1.5 years now.  During that time, I have been attempting to provide customer service regarding a database of some pretty detailed and technical information.

If I'm honest, I have been hoping this whole time that said database responsibility would be taken away from me, so I only paid enough attention to get by and do a decent job.  Now that my responsibilities have doubled (vs shrink as I'd hoped) I am taking more ownership and thus, paying a bit more attention.

Mind you, all that I'm doing is Greek to me because I'm dealing with codes and numbers for items that have no relationship for me.  There is one person (I call her the Queen or Goddess) who has been here so long that she can rattle off what something is based on a random part number.  (We should sell tickets!)  OK, maybe not ticket worthy, but when you are the new kid on the block, someone with that level of information in their brain and a willingness to share it is a Godsend!

My a-ha moment was relating a part to the whole and realizing the relationship.  It's one small step for admin-kind, but I have a feeling the additional learning needed to (dare I say it?) master this database will be faster in coming.  It's the kind of learning that grows exponentially. 

God is like this too.  He teaches us what we can comprehend bit by bit stretching us (stretching me) to reach the next point in our relationship.  There are mountaintop experiences where I can look back and see all that God & I have accomplished and appreciate how far I've come.  Where I can drink in God in all His glory through something I've personally experienced.  I LOVE THOSE TIMES!  They are important and necessary because other times I feel like I can barely see my next move.  I'm pressed up against a mountain and while I am currently holding tight, I don't know which arm to reach out with, how far I have to stretch before I grab the rocks above me and pull myself up/forward.  (OK, I've never been mountain climbing and honestly, I'm not wild about sports analogies, but...if I put this in emotional terms we'd be here forever.)

I see that while I often want God to lay out His plan for me so I can see all of it; God doesn't do that because I cannot handle it.  I'm not ready because without the experiences of tomorrow and next year I cannot imagine the journey 5 years from now.  God wants my faith.  He wants my trust in Him.  He wants a relationship with me that draws me to Him daily, not just in my times of need.  It is the relationship building that allows me to climb higher, to attain God's plan for me.  He tells me He can do immeasurably more than anything I can ask or imagine. (Eph 3:20)

God builds upon my experiences, upon my faith, each day. 

Which makes me ask myself...what am I asking or imagining from God?
Am I putting the time into my relationship with Him so that I can climb higher?

And I didn't even need a 2x4 for this one!

Quiet Time

I need to start by telling you all that I don't truly know what quiet time is.  I haven't so much as gone to the bathroom by myself for 13 years.  (OK, I do use the loo alone at work, let's not go too far.)  In fact, just recently I became aware of the fact that I was actually in the bathroom alone!  It was kind of a big day for me.  Seriously, the only way I was able to have uninterrupted "quiet time" with my husband was after I told my son what we were doing -- he does not bother us any more, nor does he let his sister knock!  It's great.

So, all that to say that a regular quiet time with God has not been a part of my life for a long time.  I do get times here and there, but they are not regular or daily.  I am currently on a journey to draw yet closer to God.  He is calling me to pursue more of Him and I really want to.  However, I am having a hard time finding the...time.  There is a change in me.  I am less interested by my Netflicks queue and other distractions.  What I want is more of God, more art in my life, more connection.  I think part of my issue is lack of practice.  When I find myself with time to do these things, I don't think to do them.  I need to become more purposeful.  There is a line in a book I'm reading that talks about our children seeing us as radical Christians, sold out to following Jesus.  I so love that idea.  I want my children to know that there is truly no sacrifice too big when it comes to Christ.  I want to give everything to Him -- and right now I'm not giving Him everything.  There is more I can give and I don't want to wait until I'm hit upside the head with that 2x4. 

The OC Fair & Sales

My son goes to summer camp tomorrow and I was feeling antsy.  I have plans to go to the fair with a friend and our gaggle of offspring later in the month, but I am often frustrated by the group and trying to herd everyone through the different exhibits (when all they really want is to go on rides).  I found myself missing my Mom today (she now lives in Florida) because the fair is something we did together each year.  Just us two.  We'd look at all the exhibits and eat special things each year (gotta have Terri's Berries and the delicious bratwurst with sour kraut and mustard...and don't forget a cinamon roll when you've finished the Aisle of Products!!)  So, with my son (13) about to leave for a week, I asked if he would go with me.  He changed his plans and off we went.  I'm so glad he did.

We took the shuttle in from a parking lot down the street from South Coast Plaza - a new experience for me.  Arriving at the fair hungry, we stopped and got "normal" food - hamburger (with cheese, bacon, bbq sauce, onion ring) and a chili dog.  (Didn't realize the giant (freakishly giant really) turkey legs were just a bit further down.)  Scarfed that down and off we went.  Crafts first.  I'll be honest, the quilts just don't thrill me.  We were mezmerized by the wood turning as we joined a crowd watching one of the woodworkers strip a bowling pin of it's plastic so he could make something else out of it.  What a fascinating process.  So fun to watch!  I could have stayed till he finished!  

We finally made our way to the mecca of sales...the Aisle of Products!  Who knew there could be so many things you didn't know you need?!  Everything from magic mops to chiropractic and back to life insurance.  We walked up and down the aisles thinking about each item we couldn't do without now that we were aware of the product.  I was tempted by the juicer, the Mink Oil, the special Aloe Vera lotion that penetrates 7 layers of skin and is the same product used by hospitals to treat burn patients.  "If you buy today, I can give you enough lotion to last you two years."  My son is saying, "Mom, you need that!"  I told the salesman I'd think about it (which I am honestly, wondering if it might be a good option for my friends daughter with allergies and eczema).  Next we were drawn in by the Mink Oil which is "the closest thing to your body's own moisture available."  After washing my hand, Kathy (our salesperson) exclaimed, "Look how great your hand looks, it has fewer wrinkles.  Isn't it great?!"  My son piped up "Yes!"  When she finished her sale with all it's available options ("A good eye cream would cost you more than all these products combined.") my son added that while you got enough lotion for 2 years from the Aloe Vera people, you only got lotion.  Here you get so much more!  Good sales person, my boy!  Kathy's eyes sparkled thinking she had us.  I said no.  I really must think about it.  

Walking down another aisle, my son and I talked about selling and the different tactics these people used.  The hard sales of the sneaker cleaning people (I mean, they practically begged me to buy it), to the people who didn't push us at all.  How did they make us feel?  My son starting thinking anybody could sell him anything (which today, they could) and I explained that he has a good heart and on top of believing their claims of greatness (I mean come on, they even demonstrated how great it was!) he didn't want to disappoint them. 

I think back to the "I wants"... I do want a product like the mink oil that will be gentle and keep my skin clean and soft.  That won't need to be reapplied until 6-8 hand washings later.  It sounds so great.  The aloe lotion was so soft.  The sneaker cleaner made me feel like I was helping youth who could have been out doing something far less productive.  I really do need that tempurpedic mattress.  I mean, I could easily justify that particular expenditure!  (still waiting to discuss with the hubster!  I mean, 100 day trial, free delivery, no interest payments for three years! and the most awesomely comfortable bed you've ever sat on!)  sigh... I guess I still have the "I wants" and yet, I came home with only 2 items for my boy and a cup I can take back for refills on my next trip.  (OK, $2.50 refills, but it's 3x the size of the drink they would normally give me for $2.50).  Next trip... I want... friends with us, corn on the cob, more comfortable shoes on my feet and funnel cake.  All sounds do-able.

What do you do at the fair?

What item from there is always a pull on you?

And by the way, I wanted more lotion on my hands by the time we hit the bus for our ride back to the car... so much for ONE handwashing!  (but the baby piggies were SO CUTE and who doesn't want to pet a Llama!)

Depressed anyone?

I am generally very good at avoiding depression.  I lived with a major depressive (mom) and I hate depression with a passion.  A few years back, I put myself through therapy for a year because as good as I am at working out my own crap (with special thanks to good friends!!)  I had hit a wall I couldn't seem to climb.  Digging deeper and deeper into a rut with a need to find a way out.  I turned to therapy.  We did make some major progress and I learned some things I still practice and share with others today.  

(2x4 Moment:  Yes, I made progress in therapy but only after arguing with my therapist for 3 months about how this would be accomplished.  Finally, in what I can only imagine was exasperation, he looked at me and said, "Who has the degree?" (pause) So I let him run things and we started making progress.  Imagine that!)

A friend said something recently that made me stop and think.  Do I discount how much stress I am under and overestimate my ability to deal with it?  I see this in other people, but her comment made me think perhaps I need to see it in myself as well.

She (I'll call her K) commented on my sharing that noise really bothers me.  It never used to.  I can remember being the teeanager with the music blaring and my parents telling me to turn it down.  (talk about hearing your mothers voice come out of your mouth, it's my turn to say this to my kids!)

So, K told me that being bothered by noise is a sign of depression. 

Truth sometimes hits you square upside the head.  There was just truth in that statement.  So now I have to stop and look...am I depressed?

I'm still working out the details of how this might be effecting my life.  I personally have a major fail in the personal caretaking of me category.)

If you're interested:
These are general symptoms of depression:

difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

fatigue and decreased energy

feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

irritability, restlessness

loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

overeating or appetite loss

persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I find a few of these interesting.  Things I have attributed to aging, medication and my own general nuttiness.

• difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• insomnia, early-morning wakefulness (I wish), or excessive sleeping
• overeating or appetite loss (again, wishful thinking on appetite loss)
• persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

See, many of these would pertain to me anyway, so it's easy to write them off.  I'm slowly going down a path to living more healthy.


I'm wondering if these are also symptoms of stress.  (According to the Mayo Clinic they are.)  Could I be struggling with depression in ways other than the typical mope around the house with a little black rain cloud over me? 
Guess I need to sit down with God and work on this stress and depression.  Do a little self care, something so many of us are truly bad at.  


I started today with a pedicure...but I should have spent more time being quiet and still and praying than looking at trashy gossip magazines, I would have felt better.  I don't want to keep seeing "should have" on my list.  I need to make better decisions.  Starting right now, I'm going to do that.  I'm going to shut down and go to bed 1 hour earlier than I have all week.  That sounds like a positive step for now.  

How do you take care of yourself? 

which would you choose?

warning:  the following links contain sophomoric (read: liberal use of expletives) language and upsetting information.  Read on at your own risk.

When upset with your husband do you...

A:   Giant Metal Chicken
B:  Say "he deserved it"
C:  Scream & Fight
D:  Other