Frustration.
Frustration with my life, with my own abilities, with my pride, with the pride of others, with emptiness.
I've been working on my family. My realtionship with my kids and especially with my husband. I'm tired. I'm not making enough progress fast enough for me. I can hear things that God wants me to do, and I flat out don't want to do them.
I am haunted by Why Should I Be The First To Change.
I am angered by the marriage counselor telling me that my husband/my marriage is like dealing with a scared kitten hiding under the sofa. I have to be kind and patient and rewarding.
This is not an easy behavior when feeling isolated, neglected and lonely. I am currently more concerned with my own rights and needs than those of my husband and yet, as I currently have more "awarness" of what our marriage needs (skipping the "men are doof's" comments) truthfully, I am the one called to action here. I know God is calling us to more and I want that, I want the more! I just cannot let go of the idea that the work to be done is mine. God will help me, yes, I know that...I guess I just don't believe it. I don't trust that if I do "A" my husband will do "B" or even "C" or "L" or "Q."
Tenth Avenue North played on my way to work today. The first time I heard this song I was almost offended by it. I was in another state and wondered if I was actually listening to a Christian station or just happened to catch a "christiany song." When I heard it again, I was touched by the cry to God.
Today, I am identifying with it. But I'm going to add my 2X4 twist...
How long must I wait for myself to do what God asks of me?
How long till I surrender and let Him take care of the issues plaguing my life currently?
How long will I continue to give lip service to the prayer needed to protect and unite my family?
How long...
HOLD MY HEART by Tenth Avenue North
How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through
I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?
One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why
'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?
One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?
So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name
One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?
Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Praying for the Hubster
I signed up for a "Daily Prayer For Your Husband" devotion...maybe a year or two ago. For some reason, I never read it. I eventually lost track of it or marked it as spam or something along those lines because I stopped seeing it.
Now, you need to know that I don't have access to any of the "fun" websites from work. No personal email, no FaceBook, no YouTube, so, they like actually want us to work here! I have limited to no time to be online at home, leaving the only chance to catch up on any of these social media lie on my phone; which while lovely and useful, is woefully small and difficult to correspond with in any volume.
I tell you this because I recently started receiving the devotion again... at work! On my work email. I'm not sure how this happened but it's feeling like the step just prior to that 2x4 moment!
I've ignored the email for several days until the thought above occured to me, then printed it out to read in my prayer closet (the bathroom at work --> hey, don't judge me, it's literally the only place I can be alone except for a few rare occassions in my car, which I spend attempting to talk with people I miss.).
OK, back to the devotional/prayer. Today it's on Submission to authority (so I'm already feeling defensive! Accept that, it's to pray for my husband to be submissive to the authority in his life. OK then!
I'm reading along, knowing that these issues apply to me every bit as much as they apply to my hubby. Got through 2 scriptures on the topic (Proverbs 19:16 & Romans 13:1-2). So far so good.
Then there is a Challenge. Oh, I like challenges... but, oh no... there, the author went and made me look at myself again! I knew it was coming, God truly never lets me get away without seeing the log in my own eye. She throws out 1 Corinthians 11:3 and then Ephesians 5:22-24 (we'll do a discussion about how the context of the verse is all of us as Christians submitting to one another... but some other time). And in case I wasn't yet convicted of my abject failure on this topic... we end with 1 Peter 3:1-2.
If I want God to help my husband with his worry, I need to be a part of the process. God cares as much about my own log as he does as the speck I perceive as a tree in my husband's eye. I often spend time with a saw or tweezers trying to "help" the hubster with his problem and now truly realize I can't see to do any kind of good.
This God we serve is so odd. Making us be the change we want to see in the world (thank you Ghandi for so perfectly articulating Jesus).
Maybe some eye drops would help me?
Now, you need to know that I don't have access to any of the "fun" websites from work. No personal email, no FaceBook, no YouTube, so, they like actually want us to work here! I have limited to no time to be online at home, leaving the only chance to catch up on any of these social media lie on my phone; which while lovely and useful, is woefully small and difficult to correspond with in any volume.
I tell you this because I recently started receiving the devotion again... at work! On my work email. I'm not sure how this happened but it's feeling like the step just prior to that 2x4 moment!
I've ignored the email for several days until the thought above occured to me, then printed it out to read in my prayer closet (the bathroom at work --> hey, don't judge me, it's literally the only place I can be alone except for a few rare occassions in my car, which I spend attempting to talk with people I miss.).
OK, back to the devotional/prayer. Today it's on Submission to authority (so I'm already feeling defensive! Accept that, it's to pray for my husband to be submissive to the authority in his life. OK then!
But seriously for a moment. My greatest desire is for my husband to submit his worry to God and allow his faith to grow as he sees God work out all the issues necessary in our lives. My hub is a chronic worrier and I would love to see him set free from this burden.
Then there is a Challenge. Oh, I like challenges... but, oh no... there, the author went and made me look at myself again! I knew it was coming, God truly never lets me get away without seeing the log in my own eye. She throws out 1 Corinthians 11:3 and then Ephesians 5:22-24 (we'll do a discussion about how the context of the verse is all of us as Christians submitting to one another... but some other time). And in case I wasn't yet convicted of my abject failure on this topic... we end with 1 Peter 3:1-2.
If I want God to help my husband with his worry, I need to be a part of the process. God cares as much about my own log as he does as the speck I perceive as a tree in my husband's eye. I often spend time with a saw or tweezers trying to "help" the hubster with his problem and now truly realize I can't see to do any kind of good.
This God we serve is so odd. Making us be the change we want to see in the world (thank you Ghandi for so perfectly articulating Jesus).
Maybe some eye drops would help me?
Friday, April 22, 2011
Good Friday
Guest Post from Jen O'Herin (teacher of Jewish Roots class at Mariners Church)
One more note, my friends. May you have a meaningful day...
Good Friday
For hundreds, even thousands of years, God had instructed His people to make a sacrifice to "cover over" their sins. These sacrifices occurred every day at 9 AM and 3 PM, while the Temple stood, and were announced by the sounding of the shofar (ram's horn trumpet). These sacrifices were only to be a reminder to them of the payment He had promised to make on their behalf. The Passover lamb sacrifice was a special remembrance of how God had saved His people from death and delivered them from slavery. Literally "calling them out" from bondage.
On the day we call "Good Friday", Jesus was crucified at 9AM. At exactly 3PM, when the shofar was blown, He announced "It is finished!" and died.
On the day we call "Good Friday", Jesus was crucified at 9AM. At exactly 3PM, when the shofar was blown, He announced "It is finished!" and died.
What was finished?
The suffering?
The crucifixion?
Could it be that the whole sacrificial system was now fulfilled? The reminders were no longer necessary since the sacrifice they were pointing to had been accomplished.
As I contemplate the importance of remembering this day, my heart is grateful for the sacrifice that was paid. For the voice that "called me out" of bondage, and saved me from death and slavery. I don't want to remember just today, but every day. What can be my daily "shofar" to call me to remembrance of Christ's sacrifice on a daily basis?
As I contemplate the importance of remembering this day, my heart is grateful for the sacrifice that was paid. For the voice that "called me out" of bondage, and saved me from death and slavery. I don't want to remember just today, but every day. What can be my daily "shofar" to call me to remembrance of Christ's sacrifice on a daily basis?
Give me eyes to see and ears to hear the reminders You have put in my life, so that I may never forget.
Jen
"Don't mistake the Truth that is living water for the dry dust of mere facts"
Passion
Guest Post from Jen O'Herin (teacher of Jewish Roots class, Mariners Church)
Most of us have seen the movie "Passion" and have heard the reports from
critics and fans. But I am struck by the number of individuals who claim
that it is too violent. "Why all the violence? Was it really necessary?" or
"It's very uncomfortable to watch". It made me think about Christ's actual
crucifixion. Why all the violence, God? I know Jesus had to die for me to
be forgiven, but did it have to be so ugly?? God had to have a reason.
Could it be that He wanted to give us a picture of the pain that was really
going on? That Jesus was leaving the presence of God and enduring hell for
us - for three days. Not paying the price of just my sins, although that
would be bad enough, but for the entire world, for all time. The physical
crucifixion would just be a glimpse of the torment He would have endured
after His death.
I don't know. But I can't help think that there would be no way to overdo the picture of
the pain and violence. And it should make us VERY uncomfortable..........
from Jen O'Herin
Mariners Church
"Don't mistake the Truth that is living water for the dry dust of mere facts"
Most of us have seen the movie "Passion" and have heard the reports from
critics and fans. But I am struck by the number of individuals who claim
that it is too violent. "Why all the violence? Was it really necessary?" or
"It's very uncomfortable to watch". It made me think about Christ's actual
crucifixion. Why all the violence, God? I know Jesus had to die for me to
be forgiven, but did it have to be so ugly?? God had to have a reason.
Could it be that He wanted to give us a picture of the pain that was really
going on? That Jesus was leaving the presence of God and enduring hell for
us - for three days. Not paying the price of just my sins, although that
would be bad enough, but for the entire world, for all time. The physical
crucifixion would just be a glimpse of the torment He would have endured
after His death.
I don't know. But I can't help think that there would be no way to overdo the picture of
the pain and violence. And it should make us VERY uncomfortable..........
from Jen O'Herin
Mariners Church
"Don't mistake the Truth that is living water for the dry dust of mere facts"
I Wish Land
I am having faith issues right now.
First, that's kind of a big deal to me. God has blessed me with big faith and most of the time this isn't something I have to deal with. My faith rises up to overcome the problems in my life -- even if only after I've had the opportunity to whine & complain about them first. (I mean come on...it's a girls right, right?)
I am having problems with my family. At this point, I will spare you the details, but I find myself frustrated today that these issues still exist. I have a stack of reasons why these issues exist and they include actual reasons that were, in fairness, beyond my control. Reasons I could not overcome to be the Mom & Wife I'd dreamed of being.
However, there are other reasons too. These might fall into more of an excuse column... maybe the line is blurred. I do not spend much time, if any, playing the "I wish" game. I wish my past had been different. I wish... whatever. There is just no point. I can't change the past so move on already. In this area, I seem to be spending more time in I Wish Land. I wish post partum didn't happen to me. I wish it hadn't damaged my ability to mother. I wish it hadn't damaged my relationship with my husband. I wish those great friends of mine who tried so desperately to show me how to do things better... I really wish I'd listened more and tried harder!! I can still hear their wisdom and at times it echo's in the dark places of my heart where I don't measure up and I can't run away from that.
I wish, I could be more like them; like those friends whose wisdom was so valuable, yet unheaded. I wish my family were healthier emotionally. I wish I wasn't so worried about my son growing up to be a decent, functioning man instead of an emotional psychotic. (OK, that may be a bit dramatic, but that is the fear when I'm in I Wish Land.).
So today, right now, I will pray. I will pray for my faith to be restored, for my inabilities to be filled with God's grace, for my family to be whole - even with a few cracks. For my frustration not to get the better of me.
Know what I mean?
First, that's kind of a big deal to me. God has blessed me with big faith and most of the time this isn't something I have to deal with. My faith rises up to overcome the problems in my life -- even if only after I've had the opportunity to whine & complain about them first. (I mean come on...it's a girls right, right?)
I am having problems with my family. At this point, I will spare you the details, but I find myself frustrated today that these issues still exist. I have a stack of reasons why these issues exist and they include actual reasons that were, in fairness, beyond my control. Reasons I could not overcome to be the Mom & Wife I'd dreamed of being.
However, there are other reasons too. These might fall into more of an excuse column... maybe the line is blurred. I do not spend much time, if any, playing the "I wish" game. I wish my past had been different. I wish... whatever. There is just no point. I can't change the past so move on already. In this area, I seem to be spending more time in I Wish Land. I wish post partum didn't happen to me. I wish it hadn't damaged my ability to mother. I wish it hadn't damaged my relationship with my husband. I wish those great friends of mine who tried so desperately to show me how to do things better... I really wish I'd listened more and tried harder!! I can still hear their wisdom and at times it echo's in the dark places of my heart where I don't measure up and I can't run away from that.
I wish, I could be more like them; like those friends whose wisdom was so valuable, yet unheaded. I wish my family were healthier emotionally. I wish I wasn't so worried about my son growing up to be a decent, functioning man instead of an emotional psychotic. (OK, that may be a bit dramatic, but that is the fear when I'm in I Wish Land.).
So today, right now, I will pray. I will pray for my faith to be restored, for my inabilities to be filled with God's grace, for my family to be whole - even with a few cracks. For my frustration not to get the better of me.
Know what I mean?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
What is a 2x4 girl
Wait, what is a 2x4 girl you ask? I affectionately call myself this because it seems that while Jesus prefers to whisper to me in His daily guidance through my life, there are more times than I care for when a 2x4 accross my head is required to get my attention and effect change. I'm grateful for these because ultimately, I want to be on God's path, not my own. At least most of the time I want that. I admit, there are times I want to be on my own path and I pretend I can't hear or push God away in order to allow myself such luxuries as selfishness, selfcenteredness, pride... well, I could go on, but you get the picture.
What is different about God's 2x4 vs. one from the world is that when God takes me out to the shed for a "talk" it's done with such loving care that I can hardly be angry. Most of the anger is directed at myself though because I realize, with perfect hindsight, I've done it again. Jesus is there to pick me up and put me right and we keep moving forward on this journey.
What is different about God's 2x4 vs. one from the world is that when God takes me out to the shed for a "talk" it's done with such loving care that I can hardly be angry. Most of the anger is directed at myself though because I realize, with perfect hindsight, I've done it again. Jesus is there to pick me up and put me right and we keep moving forward on this journey.
Jealous
I admit to being jealous of all those creative bloggers out there who have found their voice and wax lyrical about all kinds of topics, managing to pull them all together in a cohesive manner. I have so much to say and share (I am an extrovert), but who really wants to listen to me? I'm constantly telling myself to slow down and be quiet and let others have a chance on input into any given conversation.
I've always wanted to do so many things and life has other ideas for me. I'm truly not complaining, or at least trying not to. But I can't let go of all the stuff inside of me that wants a home.
So, here I am with yet another blog I will attempt to keep up with. I may have finally found my voice... I guess we'll see.
I've always wanted to do so many things and life has other ideas for me. I'm truly not complaining, or at least trying not to. But I can't let go of all the stuff inside of me that wants a home.
So, here I am with yet another blog I will attempt to keep up with. I may have finally found my voice... I guess we'll see.
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