problem of evil

Honestly, my faith has been wavering much this year.  Who is God, how involved is He, the whole problem of evil thing has bitten me and will not let go.  The idea that Jesus has come already makes me start to wonder what the point of everything is.  We seem to just struggle and suffer down here and there is so much of it.  Perhaps I have lost my ability to count it joy having been denied the marriage I so wanted. 

I am finding the world more alluring and can even see that this could all be a trap of the enemy a’ la Screwtape, and yet…

Creation is still the foundation of my faith as I do not see a way away from the knowledge that intelligent design is the only thing that makes a modicum of sense; in fact I find creation the single most compelling reason to believe in God.

I see no benefit in such extreme suffering.  Why should my Mother be so unhappy and so deeply depressed and alone.  To what end?  I find myself thinking that her inability to let go of the past and have any happiness as bordering on cruelty.  Is the whole thing just a life lesson on the evil of sin?

I hear the arguments on love demands choice.  I sit with that.  I completely agree that love demands choice.

I know the argument for “how much evil would be acceptable?”  Would half the evil in the world be acceptable?  Well, probably not.  How much evil have we been spared and just don’t realize it. 

I think perhaps I’m just being selfish or my usual 2x4 girl attitude is out of control.

And yet, here I am.

How long must I wait?

Frustration. 
Frustration with my life, with my own abilities, with my pride, with the pride of others, with emptiness.

I've been working on my family.  My realtionship with my kids and especially with my husband.  I'm tired.  I'm not making enough progress fast enough for me.  I can hear things that God wants me to do, and I flat out don't want to do them.

I am haunted by Why Should I Be The First To Change. 
I am angered by the marriage counselor telling me that my husband/my marriage is like dealing with a scared kitten hiding under the sofa.  I have to be kind and patient and rewarding.

This is not an easy behavior when feeling isolated, neglected and lonely.  I am currently more concerned with my own rights and needs than those of my husband and yet, as I currently have more "awarness" of what our marriage needs (skipping the "men are doof's" comments) truthfully, I am the one called to action here.  I know God is calling us to more and I want that, I want the more!  I just cannot let go of the idea that the work to be done is mine.  God will help me, yes, I know that...I guess I just don't believe it.  I don't trust that if I do "A" my husband will do "B" or even "C" or "L" or "Q."

Tenth Avenue North played on my way to work today.  The first time I heard this song I was almost offended by it.  I was in another state and wondered if I was actually listening to a Christian station or just happened to catch a "christiany song."  When I heard it again, I was touched by the cry to God.

Today, I am identifying with it.  But I'm going to add my 2X4 twist...
How long must I wait for myself to do what God asks of me?
How long till I surrender and let Him take care of the issues plaguing my life currently?
How long will I continue to give lip service to the prayer needed to protect and unite my family?
How long...

HOLD MY HEART by Tenth Avenue North
How long must I pray, must I pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long 'till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

'Cause I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah?

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart?

Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart?
Hold my heart

I Wish Land

I am having faith issues right now. 
First, that's kind of a big deal to me.  God has blessed me with big faith and most of the time this isn't something I have to deal with.  My faith rises up to overcome the problems in my life -- even if only after I've had the opportunity to whine & complain about them first. (I mean come on...it's a girls right, right?)

I am having problems with my family.  At this point, I will spare you the details, but I find myself frustrated today that these issues still exist.  I have a stack of reasons why these issues exist and they include actual reasons that were, in fairness, beyond my control.  Reasons I could not overcome to be the Mom & Wife I'd dreamed of being. 

However, there are other reasons too.  These might fall into more of an excuse column... maybe the line is blurred.  I do not spend much time, if any, playing the "I wish" game.  I wish my past had been different.  I wish... whatever.  There is just no point.  I can't change the past so move on already.  In this area, I seem to be spending more time in I Wish Land.  I wish post partum didn't happen to me.  I wish it hadn't damaged my ability to mother.  I wish it hadn't damaged my relationship with my husband.  I wish those great friends of mine who tried so desperately to show me how to do things better... I really wish I'd listened more and tried harder!!  I can still hear their wisdom and at times it echo's in the dark places of my heart where I don't measure up and I can't run away from that.

I wish, I could be more like them; like those friends whose wisdom was so valuable, yet unheaded.  I wish my family were healthier emotionally.  I wish I wasn't so worried about my son growing up to be a decent, functioning man instead of an emotional psychotic.  (OK, that may be a bit dramatic, but that is the fear when I'm in I Wish Land.).

So today, right now, I will pray.  I will pray for my faith to be restored, for my inabilities to be filled with God's grace, for my family to be whole - even with a few cracks.  For my frustration not to get the better of me.

Know what I mean?