So I talked with my Mom last night and that was helpful. She has lead a very difficult life (before and after becoming a Christian). One of the questions I have banging around inside my head is:
If someone is so deeply depressed that they can't even go grocery shopping and barely have contact with the world, what is the point of such suffering?
Mom said, she still felt it was worth it, but that she finds herself asking the same questions. Which I think is fair to ask.
The first thing that comes to mind is the idea that my faith is only important outside myself. That if I'm not impacting the lives of others, my faith is useless. However, I see that there is error in this thought, for God did not save me only to have me share with others. He saved me to have a relationship with ME.
So I go to: Why must there be so much suffering?
And the very next question I hear is: How much suffering would be acceptable?
I don't have an answer for that. Because if I say half, my measuring stick changes and half of today's suffering will soon feel like too much.
Then I think:
- How much suffering have I been spared from?
- Is this all just a first world problem and I am complaining about not having "enough" when I actually have "abundance" according to the world's standards. (example: I'm completely stuffed from a potluck and eating out today. Certainly this is not a 3rd world problem where every day could mean the difference between life and death.)
- Is all the "stuff" of first world living actually a kind of curse because it changes my expectations of God?
Just a little light conversation for today.
I love to volunteer.
I love being a part of things, what is going on, making things happen.
It makes me feel good to see an event go well; to serve others. I think it also makes me feel good about myself.
I have, in the past, had a problem with over-volunteering. To the point where people at my church thought I was on staff because I was working (volunteering at) so many events.
So... this is true about myself, but as Socrates would say, the unexamined life is not worth living... why do I like to volunteer?
The temptation here is to add on all the codependent ideas that made me decide not to be a nurse when I wanted to go to nursing school. I didn't even need help with that one; I talked myself out of it. I would have been a great nurse; however, I also might not be married today. Even doing administrative work there are many nights I work late because I want to be around for my boss when I know they have something going on. So how codependent would I have been as a nurse with the excuse that it's this person's health and I just can't come home dear, will you take care of the kids like you're a single parent again tonight. I can so see that I avoided that future and Jesus... I thank you for the insight you gave me in the nursing school administration office when I decided to walk out.
Yes, I know there is a seed of codependency in my love of volunteering. There is part of me that wants to be liked and by doing nice things and being dependable I most certainly up the odds. I think about this. I volunteer for lots of stuff at work too and this behavior can sometimes get me into trouble.
Gosh... I just deleted a bunch of what I was going to say because it sounded too whiny! Blech!
I'm going to go with volunteering makes me think outside of myself. It helps me with perspective on life and hopefully keeps me from over dramatizing the problems in my own life because there is always somebody who has it worse than I do. It helps me get away from the problems of my own life and often gives me a wonderful sense of accomplishment when I work on something and it goes well.
I love the idea of giving and not getting paid for it (I can't say I get nothing in return because I do feel good about it. There is definitely a pay off in some form).
It keeps me out of trouble and sometimes provides me with an escape.
Yes, I think volunteering is good.
BTW... did I mention bunnies have really sharp teeth? Yeah... I should have paid attention. One got out and while chasing him down with carrot lures he bit me.
